Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Whole "Relationship" Thing

    I am divorced. I have only been so for not quite even a year. In the past year, EVERYTHING about my life has changed. New job, new house, new daycare for the kids, starting roller derby, new friends, new ideas....well, you get the picture. So in approaching that year mark, people start inviting you to weddings, parties, lunches....topics come up and the inevitable question I have been fearing for awhile starts to arise..... "So........are you seeing anyone?" Blech.
     The meager two dates I have gone on in the past year were....well....odd. The very idea of "dating" makes me queasy. My mind races to having to introduce the fella to my kids, have them get to know him, he moves in, hangs around til things go south, leaves the relationship as the kids are getting super attached and I have to pick up the pieces. WTF? This is not my normal thinking AT ALL. As a single gal, I never turned down a date, (unless the guy was obviously undate-able). I always figured at least I'd get a meal and some interesting conversation and/or story out of it. I always had fun and never took anything too serious. I ENJOYED the process. Now it sends a cold spiky lightning bolt of fear to my very core. Imagine if you will, the one time you pull the jug of milk out of the fridge and just start drinking only to realize it's gone sour as you are chugging cold clumps of nastiness. Now every time you look in the fridge and see the milk, you recoil in horror and taste the foulness in the back of your mouth. It's just like that.
      I know all these reactions mean I am not ready to "put myself out there". I'm remarkably okay with that. It's that stupid "girl" part of me that's been all brainwashed with romantic garble that tries to throw me off. The very idea terrifies me. It's not just my own happiness that I'm responsible for anymore. I also have these two humans that rely on me for EVERYTHING and that includes a stable upbringing. So until that fateful day when the bitterness has left the building, I'll have to settle for inappropriate ass smacks and booby grabs from the lovely ladies in my derby league. And that's all I got to say about that.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Art of Being Patient

Yeah....this title is completely misleading because I don't have it. AT ALL. Not even a little. Lately.....I can't even feign it. I am also high-tempered which is kind of a lethal mix lately.
     I am thinking perhaps it is because of children. People without kids always remark, "Oh you must have so much patience to do all that stuff with your kids!" Really? How so? Have you ever had to listen to someone re-start a sentence no less than 7 times on a regular basis? It's irritating. Take into account now that they are doing this at top volume while you are driving and another child is talking at the same time. How many minutes would you allow it to go on? I can be pretty tolerant, but patient....I AM NOT. I can tune out the other noises in the car...but just waiting for the finish of the sentence sets me on edge!!! I WILL snap if the answer does not come quickly letting the fact that she is only 5 and has a hard time holding the thought in her head long enough to articulate it escape me.
     This impatience has branched out recently in the heat and stretched hours of the summer. My short temper extends to almost every circumstance of their existence. I am annoyed by drunk people, stupid people, slow-moving people, people who don't answer my questions quickly enough or with satisfaction, people who smile too much, people who just scowl, people who make me repeat myself, people who call me at inopportune times, people who talk too much, people who talk too little, people who boast, people who judge myself or others, people who pay in pennies and nickels, people who stare, I could go on and on and on here. The gist of it is.....I have no patience with anyone.
     I force myself to calm down breathe and NOT growl through my teeth a response that would instigate a physical outburst. I do this several times a day. I maintain a calm look and repeat myself for the fifth time and use every muscle in my face to offer a smile without a glimpse of the sneer that lies beneath. I can listen to the same song twelve times in a row while my daughter sings along out of tune with the wrong lyrics. I can wait fourteen extra minutes while she buttons her shirt herself or my son puts his shoes on the wrong feet three times in a row. I can do these things because they are teaching me patience. I have not come close to mastering it.....but if I grit my teeth hard enough and take deep breaths and tell myself it will soon be done.....well, you almost can't tell at all.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Top Five

I am in a listing mood today. I am also always on the lookout for new music, ideas, inspirations, and what-have-yous. Skipping around the ipod music in the car can get quite interesting as I load songs for myself, Simon and Elliott. We just take turns skipping through until one of us yells out and there we rest and turn it up all obnoxious loud. So.....these are some top fives right now for us. Enjoy.
Likes music that will melt your face off
Sauce's Top 5 Bands:
  1. Alkaline Trio
  2. Jay Reatard
  3. Rancid
  4. Blink 182
  5. Smut Peddlers
He tends to enjoy hard, fast, lively punk music. It suits him.

Elliott approved
Elbow's Top 5 Bands:
  1. Sleigh Bells
  2. The Kills
  3. The Ting Tings
  4. Joan Jett
  5. Doris Day
She likes to rock out as you can see....but she is drawn to feminine inspiration. Who can blame her? Oh, and that last one....we just love her.

Mixmaster.     word.
My Top 5 Bands (of the moment):
  1. Deerhunter
  2. Warpaint
  3. Bass Drum of Death
  4. The Raveonettes
  5. Harlem
If you have a chance to do some youtube surfing, I would highly recommend any and all of these. My musical tastes change all the time but I try to walk that line between sleazy 60's garage rock and dreamy but pop-ish shoe-gazing incandescence. I take my tunes extra seriously. Don't mind me if I come off as a snob. I am one.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Sack Lunch

Apparently....NOT the right way to go.
This week I have been introduced to my new sworn enemy....The Sack Lunch. I thought we could get along, as it turns out....I was wrong.
     So I thought it kind of sucked when I had to pay almost $200 EXTRA tuition for my daughter to participate in her summer program at her daycare on top of the regular tuition. I had to pay it though, or else she would watch all her friends go on field trips and have to stay back. THEN the bastards tell me that on certain field trips I have to pack her a lunch to take along. Wha? But....this was extra money and all and you people normally feed her!!! Okay, anything for the little girl. The first time it came around for me to make a lunch.....I forgot. She had to take whatever they whipped her up in the daycare kitchen that morning. They make sure and tell me extra times now.
This is what I get for my efforts.
     Yesterday was the first day she got to take her lunch along and she was all super excited. I put it together the night before and everything just like a tv mom would. To her horror, I had not yet bought her a lunch box. Her lunch was packed in an Ironman lunchbox that was her brother's that came along as gift with purchase with a backpack or something. She gave me a VERY angry speech about how unacceptable this was. Fail.
      I picked her up yesterday and she was in a good mood! We grabbed the empty Ironman lunchbox and I assumed her picnic went well as she said nothing to the contrary. I packed her lunch again last night but THIS time, I had found a little pouch that went on her Strawberry Shortcake bike that was PERFECT lunchbox size. I was excited to surprise her with my genius discovery. This morning, she was extremely happy to see the switch in her lunch encasing. She did give me a look that said we need to have a talk. ", everyone else had lunches that .......better than mine." Wha?!!! How can this be? It's an un-refridgerated lunch for crying out loud!!!! She continues to inform me, "ALL the other kids had zebra cakes, roll-ups, or snack cakes in their know....lots of sugar." Ah.Yes. Complete CRAP food. How can I compete? I am the weirdo health nut mom. (Which I totally am NOT). I explained to her that her peanut butter and honey sandwich had sugar AND protein which would give her more energy and keep her going longer than those other snacks. I also mentioned she had Cheetos and an apple.....not so good, and very good for her snacks. Well....I had pretty much packed the same thing, except it was peanut butter and jelly, a banana and Doritos. I made her a deal, threw in a home-made granola bar and a small bag of cocopuffs. She was alright with that.....only barely.
     How did this get so complicated?! I don't want her to end up obese or exhausted from making poor eating decisions, but I don't want her to be shunned for having the weird mom. I guess this is training for what I can expect when she starts kindergarten. I am doomed. Up until now.....I was the cool mom. She will soon realize more and more...I am totally NOT the cool mom with cool snacks. She will start listening to horrible music. She will discover the difference between generic and name brand! She will start asking for specific brands of clothing. She is on her way to becoming a CONSUMER. *shudder* THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!! Damn you Sack Lunch! Damn you to HELL!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

An Ode to Rocky Dennis

Recently, a friend of mine posted this quote on his facebook page, "These things are good: ice cream and cake, a ride on a harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." It forced me to reflect a little bit on my own likes and dislikes at the moment. Here I am, starting summer, coming to the close of my first derby season. 
      "Lose not yourself in a far off time, seize the moment that is thine." -Friedrich Schiller
These things are good:
warm sand between my toes
distant sounds of live music on a hot night
the smell of fresh gut grass
the farmer's market
rich soft cheese on a crusty french loaf
sticking my head out the car window on a warm day
my kids' little arms wrapped around me
cracking the top of a creme brulee
falling asleep on fresh, cool sheets on a hot night
climbing a tree
standing in the rain
sleeping kids
breathing deep
skating fast
skating slow
sweating so much it drips off my face

These things are a drag:
screaming children
sticky pastes on my counters
walking in hot, melty gum
bugs that bite
humidity vs. my hair
uncomfy shoes
love ballads
the grocery store
drinking too much
being far away from friends
falling down
missing out
messing up
getting way too upset over something silly
being scared to try something
sweating so much it drips off my face

Have a happy summer! What are some on your list?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

HATE This Guy!!!!!

I haven't been blogging for a bit...sorry! I'm a busy girl with little time to contemplate my next angry rant. I wasn't even thinking about this was given to me. A friend brought up this name and I saw red. The floodgates opened and before I knew it I was spewing angrily for a good twenty minutes on this ass-hat. M Night Shyamalan. Stupid name....worse creations. I never thought it would spiral out of control like it did. It all started with The Sixth Sense....which wasn't entirely awful. A little predictable perhaps....but it was a noble first attempt at horror. When I saw Unbreakable, I became a little enraged. There was about 10 minutes of action in that entire movie, the characters were boring, flat and expressionless, the plot was retarded, and it was ENTIRELY OBVIOUS!!!! I should have sworn off his movies here, but his track record at that point was only 50/50.
     THEN came Signs. There are no words for how badly this movie enrages me. This was one of the few movies I ACTUALLY walked out of. I could not torture myself any was THAT painful. How many levels of ridiculous crap can one endure? Aliens coming to Earth and running around in corn fields and jumping around on roof tops? Lame. How about aliens that can travel through space, yet CANNOT open a pantry door? How about underlying religious propaganda inserted into what was advertised as a HORROR MOVIE?!!! Or the aliens that choose to invade a planet that consists of over 80% water when they are deathly allergic to what?!! WATER. Dumbest. Movie. Ever. What was worse was everyone going around talking about it and how great it was. DID THOSE PEOPLE EVEN WATCH IT?!!! I walked out during the really "touching" scene where Mel Gibson and Hairlip Phoenix are about two inches from each other's faces and Hairlip says, "I don't ever want to see you lose your faith again!" I laughed uncontrollable for ten seconds, yelled "Assholes!" at the screen and walked out. I boycotted M Night Shyamalan after that. Even the penis hats couldn't save that movie.
     Several years later, I was intrigued by these previews for "The Happening". It looked super scary and awesome. I saw who was directing it and was deterred from seeing it in the theater. I did rent it when it came out on video. (I wasn't going to spend GOOD money on it and get a sitter and waste gas and all.) It started out pretty cool with people hanging themselves and jabbing shit in their eyes and jumping off buildings and stuff. Then he ruined it. He tried to make some environmental statement and ruined a potentially cool movie. Grass. Grass was making people crazy and kill themselves and not in a fun "Reefer Madness" way. It was my fault for falling for the propaganda in the commercial. Curse you M Night. If I ever see you anywhere....EVER, I will punch you in your smug, brown, wanna-be Jeff Goldblum face. Ban on.