Best of the Book!

No.....not THAT book.

It's that time of year when everyone starts getting their year in review in perspective. I thought I would exploit that mentality a little for the sake of my blog. This here is my year in review......with my kids. These are the best of my kid-related facebook updates from the year. And yes....they all happened. Welcome to to my world.....I laugh A LOT.

While dropping off girl child at school, watching her run up the steps outside I sigh and say, "She is so cute and little!" Boy child scowling in the backseat says bitterly, "She's an idiot." Okay then.*sigh*

 Last week

My kids seem to think it's funny to make choking/gagging sounds when I'm in the next room to make me hobble in fast to check on them. I think it's funny to force them to choose which relative they want to live with. 

Elliott.....a true original.

Last week

So, I'm telling the kids that a team mate is coming over tonight and boy child asks,"But does she have a tail?"

December 1 

Elliott just shuffled glumly into the kitchen where I was and slumped her head on the counter and said,"I feel like shit today." When did my 5 year old turn 20?!

November 6 

Yesterday, I had a good friend tell me, "I'm glad you're not the type who bubble wraps her kids, ya know?" To which I replied,"Never! I hand them razorblades and kick them down a flight of stairs!" I have no delusions about my parenting methods.

October 7 

Boy child threw toy at sister, then fell off couch. Her response? "That's his bad caramel." Um....that's kharma kid, kharma.

October 9

 Laying next to boy child in bottom bunk, after hearing growling and snorting he says, "I'm scared! It's a monster!!!" Girl child's voice from top bunk,"It's just me. I'm all stuffy." Allergy fail.

October 11

Simon......the SCARY.

 Just when I start bragging how cool girl child is for wanting to be Betty Boop for Halloween.....she switches it up on me. At the costume shop, all bets were off. She opts instead to be.......A FRICKIN' BANANA. That's right. My daughter will be sporting a banana suit for Halloween. She may be cooler than I ever thought.

October 17  

Walking into daycare this morning, boy child and I passed a dad walking out. Boy says,"I don't like that guy." I asked why, to which he replied,"I just don't like that guy." Boy child has awesome instincts and rationale. 

September 23 

My son ate powdered doughnuts this morning and was a mess. Ran into a mom friend dropping him at daycare. My friend took one look at his face and said, "You look like Chris Rock in New Jack City Simon." And THAT is why I love her.

September 20

Waiting for an x-ray. Girl child and monkeybars don't mix. She told me,"I think I did some danger." 

September 16

Lesson in biology from Elliott tonight:"If you didn't have a butthole, you would end up pooping out your mouth because your butt is connected to your mouth."

September 30

Dressing girl child this morning, I told her,"This belt goes with that dress." She replied, "It doesn't need a belt." I said, "Well.....it's more for decoration." She said, "Like I'm a Christmas tree now?!!" Smart ass.

 September 7 

 

I would rather have my colon cleansed with fire ants than EVER attend another school skating party with both my kids. 

August 31  

In the car after school, girl child says, "I'm doing my homework. I am a genius." I would give her claims more credibility if I hadn't just gotten a note last week from her teacher complaining of her taking her shoes and socks off and "hitting things with her socks." Dream on child.

August 29

Boy child went impressively savage tonight. Refused to let me cut his steak up and ate it whole with hands and teeth. SO proud.

August 28 

While wearing a ballerina dress and lip gloss, my son informed me he would like to be a mermaid for Halloween. His big sister definitely holds sway over him.

August 18

My daughter informed me she no longer wants to eat meat. Not because it comes from animals she loves but because "it gets stuck in my teeth."  August 14

Wedding reception tonight, bride tells me the highlight of it was seeing my daughter come sit at the head table and proceed to chew her toenails. Classy.

July  22

Just when I think by some strange miracle my kids are being good tonight, my son pees on my daughter's head. Seriously.

July 19

I am SUCH an immature mother. I kept giggling uncontrollably every time my daughter told me how much she liked my muffin this morning.

July 8

In the car this morning... Elliott-"Fox is not a bad word...but f*ck is." Thanks for the clarification.

July 7

Elliott this morning,"I can’t stop sneezing!  Must be my Allerjesus."

July 6

NEVER ask a two year old what they are doing while they are in the bathtub without half expecting to hear explicit statements such as: "I stick my finger in my butt." Kids are so neat.

June 27

HATE getting calls from the kids' school. Don't know which call is worse, the one where my kid is acting like Charlie Sheen in a strip joint or the one where they are deathly ill.

June 14

So, singing to my daughter this morning, she says to me,"Mommy, I like that song! Just....not....with your voice. BUT.....I love YOU!" Way to soften the blow there asshole.

June 7

It's official. I have the weird kids. Simon eats doritos with spicy mustard like it's hummus. Elliott just slathered her face and body with birthday cake frosting. We will not be invited to another party for awhile...

June 5

My son has officially named his penis his "Hot Dog". I feel like I should take him out for a beer or something.

May 21

Just got home from the store. I looked at Elliott and said,"We forgot to get milk." She looks at me straight faced and says,"Oh shit." Omg....

May 15

I think some sort of combat toy is stuck in my couch. I hear threatening noises everytime I sit down or move on it. *sigh*

May 12

At the zoo today, I was exhausted! Asked the kids if they were tired yet and Ellie said,"No, but I know YOU are." I asked how she knew, she said,"I can hear you breathing." Getting old. She was in a dbl stroller facing forward.

May 8

Elliott-on grilled cheese..."So when you make me my sandwich it's a girl cheese and when you make one for Simon, it's a boy cheese?" Um....

April 25

Best part of the weekend, this afternoon at the park. Elliott was flying her kite and running, tripped over a root loop out of the ground and went splat, limbs splayed in the dirt. She just layed there not moving for about a minute, all she said in a slow, sarcastic voice was, "Great." I was laughing my ass off!

April 24

Had an argument about pigtails this morning....with my son! He is SO demanding. What a diva.

April 22

This morning stuck in traffic on I-35 Elliott says, "I REALLY have to poop. (pause) I think I can hold it. (pause) Oh!......wait.......It was just a fart." That's my girl!

April 19

I took Simon's shirt off. Ellie asked why he got to walk around without a shirt. I told her boys could but girls don't because we have boobs. She said, "I don't have boobs yet." And promptly took her shirt off. Um...

April 10

I am grumpy today. Partially weather induced, part sleep deprivation, part resentment at someone's insane child from last night's trip to Disney on Ice screaming about popcorn for 8 straight minutes into the back of my head in a pitch only whales SHOULD hear but has left me partially deaf today.

March 24

So I come out of my bedroom to find Elliott with her pants down rubbing her bare ass on the tv. Um....yeah....

March 15

Another gem from Elliott.... Me-"why don't you help me clean instead of complaining about the mess?" Elliott- "Because complaining is all I've got!"

March 14

Me, "Get off that chair!" Simon, "NO!" Me, "You can't climb on the arm like that, you'll fall! GET OFF!!!" Simon, “NO!" Eight seconds later, crying, "I fall off!" Did I laugh? You bet your ass I did. HARD

March 11

This morning, "I wanna call myself Chewy." -Elliott.

March 5

Layed back down this morning already exhausted when my daughter sat down next to me and sings "Get up, stand up. Stand up for your right...."

February 26

Ellie- "Guess what mom?....I'm gonna help you clean up." Me-quizzical eyebrow... Ellie- "Impressed?" Expectant smile...

February 10

Elliott-"Today we learned about this little guy that flew a kite in a bad storm and wanted to make Electric City!" Me-"Vegas baby...Vegas!" Elliott-"you are SO weird." Huh.

January 31

"Ahhhh! Don't get my nipples!!!" ...isn't exactly what you want to hear your 5 year old yelling from the next room first thing in the morning.

January 29

From Elliott "Sometimes, when I get really excited....I squeeze my butt real tight." I love that weirdo.

January 23

My night: made 2 dinners (barely eaten), 3 pleas for snacks right after (ignored), 2 baths, right after which 1 diarreah on carpet clean-up, 20 nails clipped while holding down thrashing, approx 48 teeth brushed, 4 meltdowns, 2 stories, 3 songs, and now, finally quiet and 2 loads of laundry to fold. I swear if I don't get out tomorrow night, it's bitch slaps and throat punches for everyone.

January 20

You really don't need cable when you have kids! The problem is: you never know when you're gonna get a comedy or a tragedy or a drama.

January 18

Driving home last night, Elliott says slowly and happily from the backseat, "I'm sooooo high!!!" and giggles. I did a triple-take. Took me a minute to realize we were driving down a big hill. Sheesh....gutterbrain mom.

January 10

Had one of those mornings...."I want braids!!! YOU said you would braid my hair!!!" "No shirt mama!!!NO SHIRT!!!" Walking into the daycare...20 minutes late, one kid no shoes and screaming and the other with braids that look like Helen Keller did them. UGH! Is it too late to start over?

January 4

 

 

Being Humbled

Not that I think I am some major badass whose shit doesn't stink.....because that is NOT me at all. I do have a pretty normal confidence level, above average intelligence, a decent smile, I am articulate, I have a good sense of humor, and I have always prided myself on being self-reliant and very capable. Those last two being taken away from me, I have had to rely largely on the rest of my talents. Life on a walker is turning into a frustrating existence. The following is a list of humbling events. Someday, I will look back on all this and laugh. Right now, I am just grinding my teeth into a smile and suffering this shit in silence.

1. The sympathy gaze. Stop it. I'm a short-term cripple. I'm not on fucking life support.
2. Heavy doors. They hurt. They collapse on me too quick. I get stuck in them. Boo.
3. Rubber mats in my office doorways. QUIT TRIPPING ME UP! They stick to walkers: this is very dangerous and unflattering for me!!!!
4. Shopping in a store scooter. Reaching things is hard, people stare, it makes loud beeps when you back up, and my shopping partner being an asshole does NOT help.
5. Entering a daycare on a walker. Nothing like children en masse staring at me to make me feel extra out of place. Thanks to the little mexican boy who made things super awkward by letting me know he had his entire church pray for me. It's JUST A BROKEN ANKLE. Jeebus.
6. Heels. Cute, sexy, fun, going-out-on-a-Friday-night heels. Fuck you guys. Quit looking at me. I'm not wearing you anytime soon, much less going out on a Friday night.
7. Joggers. If I see you flaunting your usefullness of both legs on the side of the road while driving, your life is in danger. That was your warning.
8. Quit using a higher pitched voice when you talk to me. I am not five years old. This goes hand in hand with the sympathy smile, head tilt, and repetitive questions with emphasis on verbs. "How ARE you today?" I was fine until I was confronted with your condescending looks and speech. Go feed some orphans.
9. Stairs. Fuck em......just.......fuck em.
10. The Holidays. Their very existence at this time is infuriating. Shopping is hard, people are on "spread cheer" mode, extra sympathy smiles, doors being held open, helping me with shit even though I am a complete stranger. It sucks. Makes me feel like a needy person. I DESPISE being needy.

Just excuse me if I'm not all smiles and cheer this season. Every day I get knocked down a few pegs on the confidence meter by normal stuff you do with two legs. I am ready to be healed and will NOT take shit for granted. Lesson learned. Til then, I will sit in the corner getting drunk on schnapps (or whatever somebody fetches for me) singing Eric Carmen hits into my karaoke party machine while making sarcastic jabs at anyone who passes. K? K.