Why Men Today Annoy the Shit Out Of Me

*This blog is full of sweeping generalizations and I am not pin-pointing anyone directly. If you find glaringly obvious similarities to yourself in this blog, please, stay the hell away from me.*

Most of today's men have been raised by their moms, it's true. Single mothers have raised you and failed you. You have been coddled, your egos have been lifted, you've been nurtured, and your mother loved you no matter what. The world is not your mom. What you really needed was that firm hand of your father to slap the sense into you and scold you when you deserved it. You needed that dad around EVERY day to show you how to behave, respect women, be rough and rugged, stop primping yourself and call you a damn sissy when warranted. The dad is supposed to be there to keep that stuff in check and teach you about responsibility and independence.

There is an astonishing lack of stability and self confidence that would support those last two little attributes up there in most men today. It is the singular trait that scares me the most about entering into any serious relationship. Am I really ready to adopt another child? This is what I have to genuinely ask myself. There is always so much hand-holding in my past relationships, the feeding the ego, the forced attention and neediness, constant reassurance, and basically the only voice of reality in their whole existence that I would have to become. I may have just been attracting the wrong men. There might be strong, self assured, smart and independent men out there. I just have yet to meet them (or date any).

This isn't even a NEW affliction. They used to call it the "Peter Pan Syndrome". Society even panders to it. Video games have become the new medium for men (and some women alike) to enter into a false reality and ignore their responsibilities and pretend they lead a more exciting life.  Some characteristics of the disorder are the inability of individuals to take on responsibilities, to commit themselves or to keep promises, excessive care about the way they look and personal well-being and their lack of self-confidence, even though they don’t seem to show it and actually come across as exactly the opposite. Sound familiar to anyone?

So, BUCK UP guys!!!! Put on your big-boy pants and stop whining about your job, go back to school and train yourself for a new one. Stop eating crap from the microwave, insisting you can't cook or just being too damn lazy to fix yourself something! Stop putting gel in your hair! Just stop on that one. Stop bitching about your weight and exercise  to add or lose what you want. For the love of Pete(r Pan, lol) STOP LIVING WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!! Just stop expecting the world to fix your problems (and whether you think you have them or not, YOU DO) and get off your momma's-boy ass and solve them! This is NOT the job of your significant other and you shouldn't even be LOOKING at us fine, single ladies until you can treat us proper. WORD.

Best of the Book!

No.....not THAT book.

It's that time of year when everyone starts getting their year in review in perspective. I thought I would exploit that mentality a little for the sake of my blog. This here is my year in review......with my kids. These are the best of my kid-related facebook updates from the year. And yes....they all happened. Welcome to to my world.....I laugh A LOT.

While dropping off girl child at school, watching her run up the steps outside I sigh and say, "She is so cute and little!" Boy child scowling in the backseat says bitterly, "She's an idiot." Okay then.*sigh*

 Last week

My kids seem to think it's funny to make choking/gagging sounds when I'm in the next room to make me hobble in fast to check on them. I think it's funny to force them to choose which relative they want to live with. 

Elliott.....a true original.

Last week

So, I'm telling the kids that a team mate is coming over tonight and boy child asks,"But does she have a tail?"

December 1 

Elliott just shuffled glumly into the kitchen where I was and slumped her head on the counter and said,"I feel like shit today." When did my 5 year old turn 20?!

November 6 

Yesterday, I had a good friend tell me, "I'm glad you're not the type who bubble wraps her kids, ya know?" To which I replied,"Never! I hand them razorblades and kick them down a flight of stairs!" I have no delusions about my parenting methods.

October 7 

Boy child threw toy at sister, then fell off couch. Her response? "That's his bad caramel." Um....that's kharma kid, kharma.

October 9

 Laying next to boy child in bottom bunk, after hearing growling and snorting he says, "I'm scared! It's a monster!!!" Girl child's voice from top bunk,"It's just me. I'm all stuffy." Allergy fail.

October 11

Simon......the SCARY.

 Just when I start bragging how cool girl child is for wanting to be Betty Boop for Halloween.....she switches it up on me. At the costume shop, all bets were off. She opts instead to be.......A FRICKIN' BANANA. That's right. My daughter will be sporting a banana suit for Halloween. She may be cooler than I ever thought.

October 17  

Walking into daycare this morning, boy child and I passed a dad walking out. Boy says,"I don't like that guy." I asked why, to which he replied,"I just don't like that guy." Boy child has awesome instincts and rationale. 

September 23 

My son ate powdered doughnuts this morning and was a mess. Ran into a mom friend dropping him at daycare. My friend took one look at his face and said, "You look like Chris Rock in New Jack City Simon." And THAT is why I love her.

September 20

Waiting for an x-ray. Girl child and monkeybars don't mix. She told me,"I think I did some danger." 

September 16

Lesson in biology from Elliott tonight:"If you didn't have a butthole, you would end up pooping out your mouth because your butt is connected to your mouth."

September 30

Dressing girl child this morning, I told her,"This belt goes with that dress." She replied, "It doesn't need a belt." I said, "Well.....it's more for decoration." She said, "Like I'm a Christmas tree now?!!" Smart ass.

 September 7 

 

I would rather have my colon cleansed with fire ants than EVER attend another school skating party with both my kids. 

August 31  

In the car after school, girl child says, "I'm doing my homework. I am a genius." I would give her claims more credibility if I hadn't just gotten a note last week from her teacher complaining of her taking her shoes and socks off and "hitting things with her socks." Dream on child.

August 29

Boy child went impressively savage tonight. Refused to let me cut his steak up and ate it whole with hands and teeth. SO proud.

August 28 

While wearing a ballerina dress and lip gloss, my son informed me he would like to be a mermaid for Halloween. His big sister definitely holds sway over him.

August 18

My daughter informed me she no longer wants to eat meat. Not because it comes from animals she loves but because "it gets stuck in my teeth."  August 14

Wedding reception tonight, bride tells me the highlight of it was seeing my daughter come sit at the head table and proceed to chew her toenails. Classy.

July  22

Just when I think by some strange miracle my kids are being good tonight, my son pees on my daughter's head. Seriously.

July 19

I am SUCH an immature mother. I kept giggling uncontrollably every time my daughter told me how much she liked my muffin this morning.

July 8

In the car this morning... Elliott-"Fox is not a bad word...but f*ck is." Thanks for the clarification.

July 7

Elliott this morning,"I can’t stop sneezing!  Must be my Allerjesus."

July 6

NEVER ask a two year old what they are doing while they are in the bathtub without half expecting to hear explicit statements such as: "I stick my finger in my butt." Kids are so neat.

June 27

HATE getting calls from the kids' school. Don't know which call is worse, the one where my kid is acting like Charlie Sheen in a strip joint or the one where they are deathly ill.

June 14

So, singing to my daughter this morning, she says to me,"Mommy, I like that song! Just....not....with your voice. BUT.....I love YOU!" Way to soften the blow there asshole.

June 7

It's official. I have the weird kids. Simon eats doritos with spicy mustard like it's hummus. Elliott just slathered her face and body with birthday cake frosting. We will not be invited to another party for awhile...

June 5

My son has officially named his penis his "Hot Dog". I feel like I should take him out for a beer or something.

May 21

Just got home from the store. I looked at Elliott and said,"We forgot to get milk." She looks at me straight faced and says,"Oh shit." Omg....

May 15

I think some sort of combat toy is stuck in my couch. I hear threatening noises everytime I sit down or move on it. *sigh*

May 12

At the zoo today, I was exhausted! Asked the kids if they were tired yet and Ellie said,"No, but I know YOU are." I asked how she knew, she said,"I can hear you breathing." Getting old. She was in a dbl stroller facing forward.

May 8

Elliott-on grilled cheese..."So when you make me my sandwich it's a girl cheese and when you make one for Simon, it's a boy cheese?" Um....

April 25

Best part of the weekend, this afternoon at the park. Elliott was flying her kite and running, tripped over a root loop out of the ground and went splat, limbs splayed in the dirt. She just layed there not moving for about a minute, all she said in a slow, sarcastic voice was, "Great." I was laughing my ass off!

April 24

Had an argument about pigtails this morning....with my son! He is SO demanding. What a diva.

April 22

This morning stuck in traffic on I-35 Elliott says, "I REALLY have to poop. (pause) I think I can hold it. (pause) Oh!......wait.......It was just a fart." That's my girl!

April 19

I took Simon's shirt off. Ellie asked why he got to walk around without a shirt. I told her boys could but girls don't because we have boobs. She said, "I don't have boobs yet." And promptly took her shirt off. Um...

April 10

I am grumpy today. Partially weather induced, part sleep deprivation, part resentment at someone's insane child from last night's trip to Disney on Ice screaming about popcorn for 8 straight minutes into the back of my head in a pitch only whales SHOULD hear but has left me partially deaf today.

March 24

So I come out of my bedroom to find Elliott with her pants down rubbing her bare ass on the tv. Um....yeah....

March 15

Another gem from Elliott.... Me-"why don't you help me clean instead of complaining about the mess?" Elliott- "Because complaining is all I've got!"

March 14

Me, "Get off that chair!" Simon, "NO!" Me, "You can't climb on the arm like that, you'll fall! GET OFF!!!" Simon, “NO!" Eight seconds later, crying, "I fall off!" Did I laugh? You bet your ass I did. HARD

March 11

This morning, "I wanna call myself Chewy." -Elliott.

March 5

Layed back down this morning already exhausted when my daughter sat down next to me and sings "Get up, stand up. Stand up for your right...."

February 26

Ellie- "Guess what mom?....I'm gonna help you clean up." Me-quizzical eyebrow... Ellie- "Impressed?" Expectant smile...

February 10

Elliott-"Today we learned about this little guy that flew a kite in a bad storm and wanted to make Electric City!" Me-"Vegas baby...Vegas!" Elliott-"you are SO weird." Huh.

January 31

"Ahhhh! Don't get my nipples!!!" ...isn't exactly what you want to hear your 5 year old yelling from the next room first thing in the morning.

January 29

From Elliott "Sometimes, when I get really excited....I squeeze my butt real tight." I love that weirdo.

January 23

My night: made 2 dinners (barely eaten), 3 pleas for snacks right after (ignored), 2 baths, right after which 1 diarreah on carpet clean-up, 20 nails clipped while holding down thrashing, approx 48 teeth brushed, 4 meltdowns, 2 stories, 3 songs, and now, finally quiet and 2 loads of laundry to fold. I swear if I don't get out tomorrow night, it's bitch slaps and throat punches for everyone.

January 20

You really don't need cable when you have kids! The problem is: you never know when you're gonna get a comedy or a tragedy or a drama.

January 18

Driving home last night, Elliott says slowly and happily from the backseat, "I'm sooooo high!!!" and giggles. I did a triple-take. Took me a minute to realize we were driving down a big hill. Sheesh....gutterbrain mom.

January 10

Had one of those mornings...."I want braids!!! YOU said you would braid my hair!!!" "No shirt mama!!!NO SHIRT!!!" Walking into the daycare...20 minutes late, one kid no shoes and screaming and the other with braids that look like Helen Keller did them. UGH! Is it too late to start over?

January 4

 

 

Being Humbled

Not that I think I am some major badass whose shit doesn't stink.....because that is NOT me at all. I do have a pretty normal confidence level, above average intelligence, a decent smile, I am articulate, I have a good sense of humor, and I have always prided myself on being self-reliant and very capable. Those last two being taken away from me, I have had to rely largely on the rest of my talents. Life on a walker is turning into a frustrating existence. The following is a list of humbling events. Someday, I will look back on all this and laugh. Right now, I am just grinding my teeth into a smile and suffering this shit in silence.

1. The sympathy gaze. Stop it. I'm a short-term cripple. I'm not on fucking life support.
2. Heavy doors. They hurt. They collapse on me too quick. I get stuck in them. Boo.
3. Rubber mats in my office doorways. QUIT TRIPPING ME UP! They stick to walkers: this is very dangerous and unflattering for me!!!!
4. Shopping in a store scooter. Reaching things is hard, people stare, it makes loud beeps when you back up, and my shopping partner being an asshole does NOT help.
5. Entering a daycare on a walker. Nothing like children en masse staring at me to make me feel extra out of place. Thanks to the little mexican boy who made things super awkward by letting me know he had his entire church pray for me. It's JUST A BROKEN ANKLE. Jeebus.
6. Heels. Cute, sexy, fun, going-out-on-a-Friday-night heels. Fuck you guys. Quit looking at me. I'm not wearing you anytime soon, much less going out on a Friday night.
7. Joggers. If I see you flaunting your usefullness of both legs on the side of the road while driving, your life is in danger. That was your warning.
8. Quit using a higher pitched voice when you talk to me. I am not five years old. This goes hand in hand with the sympathy smile, head tilt, and repetitive questions with emphasis on verbs. "How ARE you today?" I was fine until I was confronted with your condescending looks and speech. Go feed some orphans.
9. Stairs. Fuck em......just.......fuck em.
10. The Holidays. Their very existence at this time is infuriating. Shopping is hard, people are on "spread cheer" mode, extra sympathy smiles, doors being held open, helping me with shit even though I am a complete stranger. It sucks. Makes me feel like a needy person. I DESPISE being needy.

Just excuse me if I'm not all smiles and cheer this season. Every day I get knocked down a few pegs on the confidence meter by normal stuff you do with two legs. I am ready to be healed and will NOT take shit for granted. Lesson learned. Til then, I will sit in the corner getting drunk on schnapps (or whatever somebody fetches for me) singing Eric Carmen hits into my karaoke party machine while making sarcastic jabs at anyone who passes. K? K.

The Little Things

     Every little thing I do is NOT magic. Nope. One simple hop over a fallen skater in a scrimmage and >bam<. Life just got unbelievably difficult. Three broken bones in my leg and ankle = two plates, twenty-five screws and forty staples. The depression and pain was overwhelming. I wanted to give up completely at first. I'm in my third week now after the surgery and I finally feel a little better. Especially my mental state. I am using a walker and am not allowed to bear any weight. The pain has significantly lessened. But why is every little thing such a bitch to do?!!! Luckily....I really haven't had to do that much.
     I am a single mom, which means I am not just having a terrible time looking after myself, but my kids too. My three year old is being a unholy terror while my 5 year old "helper" keeps getting virus after virus! My sanity has been teetering on the brink of destruction these past few weeks. If it wasn't for the help of all the sweet, selfless, generous, and all-around-amazing women in my derby league, I would have lost myself in a sea of depression. These ladies have been my salvation and there aren't enough "Thank You" cards in the world to cover the depth of my gratitude for just having them all in my life.
     There hasn't been a night that I have had to even think about cooking dinner for my kids. In three weeks! It has been something that my league-mates have taken upon themselves to cover. They come over, one at a time or in pairs and  they just help. It has brought me to tears on so many secret occasions that I have lost count. They come in, ask me what I need, run errands for me, play with my kids, make us dinner, give the kids baths, read them books, help my daughter with homework, put them to bed, tidy my house, do laundry and dishes! These people come over and just do these things out of love. I have never experienced anything like this.
      This is a time of year people start reflecting on what they are thankful for, start pushing the notion of giving to others, look for charities to contribute to and the like. The women in my league have made such a tremendous impact on my life in the last few weeks. They embody every notion of what the holiday spirit is supposed to be. They aren't doing this because I am some charity case. They hearken to mind a quote I had memorized while in Typography class that we had used in an assignment. "Great is the person who sees the need, recognizes the responsibility and actively becomes the answer." I don't know all of these ladies as well as I would like, but I love them all the same. They are great people with great hearts that have greatly helped me in ways they will probably never fathom.

Going It Alone

So, here I go, getting a little soul-sharing for a minute. Bear with me....I just needed to get this out and possibly provide a little insight into the life of single parents. I left my marriage because it was intolerable. It was cruel. It was untrusting. I was putting in FAR too much work and getting nowhere. I was alienated from my friends and family and pretending to be a different person entirely. I was pretending that I was happy in a miserable life and that it was working. Leaving that facade behind and returning to myself while caring for two young children was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

    It doesn't get any easier in the days of the divorce aftermath. I am still constantly struggling to make ends meet, declining social engagements, sacrificing personal time and space for the needs of my kids. I have gone through periods where I can barely make the minimum attendance required for derby practice.....and it always kills me. Some people get more help from their exes. I do not. I don't expect to ever get the help I need from him. That is just how it works in a divorce. One person is always left holding the bag. I am okay with this most of the time. I know that I am always going to meet their needs, teach them great things, keep them safe, and be there for them no matter what. There are times when I question if one person really is enough for this enormous task.
     Most people are pretty understanding about a single parent situation. They are patient when you never call them back because there is never a quiet moment in which you can just talk to them. They understand when you have to cancel plans because of a sick child, a babysitter cancellation, temper tantrums, lack of money or exhaustion. Most people get it. Even if they don't have kids....they have it in them to try and wrap their heads around what their lives would be like if they did. It only takes that small percentage of jerks that can make us single parents feel like shit and our lives are meaningless, our contributions.....unimportant.
      This population of idiots that rub in our faces how many times they eat out in a week, buy extravagant yet useless items of clothing, furniture, etc., flaunt their enormous amounts of free time at us. I can speak for all single parents when I say...we hate your fucking guts. You suck. We hate the incredulous faces you make when we can't comply with your schedule due to parental obligations. We REALLY hate that you think we can just have magical free babysitters on stand-by in case we need them at any given moment. We hate your self-absorbed little world and the beautiful people with perfect hair and stain-free clothes that inhabit it. Next time your percentage of the population decides to look down your nose at me because I prioritize my children over ANYTHING else this world has to offer.....consider this: I used to BE you.

Pregnancy is Bullshit.

So recently a fellow rollergirl, Roxy Lawless, hopped on the train to Pregoville. The other roller mamas and I have been offering her not-so-comforting advice and giving her the heads up on what to expect that the books all leave out. Some of my blog followers suggest I put this into some kind of format to scare away would-be moms and prevent ANY further pregnancies. You WILL be exhausted all the time, your body cavity WILL have a small growing human in it, all your other organs WILL be smashed into wherever they can fit causing multiple side effects. So here we go....some tips and facts that should help keep the world's population from escalating for a bit!

Monster Stretch Marks.

1. EVERYTHING on your body will swell to enormous proportions, turn color and sprout hair. Your vagina will turn into a pack of purple twinkies. Fun!
2. You will become a waddling, sweating incubator fairly quickly. Don't bother with long sleeved or winter maternity garments. They will not be worn.
3. You will have to resign yourself to monthly and then weekly visits to the doctor/nurse/midwife to have someone finger you until painful or the swabbing of your asshole.
4. Forget your cute, sexy panties....you won't be wearing them for a LONG time....if ever again.
5. You can try to fight them, but the stretch marks WILL win.
6. Veins. All of a sudden they are everywhere. They are NOT happy.
7. Slip-on shoes. Buy them. Soon enough, Your feet will be out of reach and tying shoes is an impossible feat that will leave you in tears.
8. Be afraid of your belly button. Be VERY afraid.
9. Carry vomit bags. I never had a problem with puking....but apparently most women do.
10. "Emotional" doesn't quite cover the terrifying ride you are about to jump on. I cried a whole bunch when pregnant. I cried in the middle of the library while looking at a Baby Gap website. I am NOT a frickin' crier. It was disgusting.
11. Stairs are your enemy....avoid them at all costs. They will leave you panting with pulled muscles in seconds during the ninth month.
12. SWIM! I cannot recommend this enough. It makes you weightless and it was the ONLY time I didn't feel like an alien pod creature. Of course, the second you get out, you feel twice as big as when you got in the pool, but the relief is totally worth it.
13. Sex. You can have it all you want. Your baby will NOT come out with a golf-ball head no matter how late in the game you are doing it. In fact, the later in your pregnancy, the better. There is some kind of organic chemistry in semen that helps set on labor. Ready for baby? Get busy with your man. A side laying position is what I found most comfortable.
14. GET A BODY PILLOW!!! This will be your cuddle buddy. You will be a hot, sweaty, nasty psycho. No one else wants to cuddle with that. AWESOME TIP: You can pop your pillow in a freezer or outside (if it's cold) for a bit and it will help you cool off and stay comfy.
15. Have that glass of wine every now and again. It's good for your messy nerves and it's good for your blood. Your significant other can enjoy watching you get drunk and sloppy on one glass. Besides, it's probably what got you into this mess in the first place.
16. Kicking. You know those cute little flutters you feel in about the 5th month? In the last couple months babies turn into David Beckham  and it sucks. Sometimes they give that umbilical cord a magnificent tug that will double you over in pain.
17. The actual birthing wasn't THAT bad in my case. LOTS of labor....it hurts. It REALLY REALLY REALLY hurts. For me though....a few hard-core pushes and the little leeches were out. Oh and in case you haven't already figured this out, men are completely useless during this entire process. Unless they are massaging you or running errands for you, they really serve no purpose. Those are services you can pay for and the quality is much better.
18. There ARE birthing horror stories....I don't have them and you will hear plenty of those. Don't pay those bitches any attention. Every delivery is different, so there is no way to compare. Just be aware of what a mucus plug is, that this vile thing is inside you, and it will pop out without warning. Just like the water breaking does.
19. After your "life and dream sucking machine" arrives, the milk does too. Whether you want it to or not. It comes in and gives you porn-star boobs that ache, stab you with pains, and if not emptied on time, become grotesquely lumpy and squirt at random. Breast pads....don't get the tiny flat cotton ones. Get the big super absorbent ones. I cannot stress how bad it sucks to wake up in a pool of cold breastmilk all over your bed.



A Little Won't Hurt

20. Lastly......sleep. Say goodbye to it. You will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. It's why Freddie Krueger never went after new moms....he couldn't. The first 6-8 weeks it's feedings every two hours round the clock. Then, it's worries and getting up to check on the baby. Then, it's erradic sleep schedule, then it's an illness, then.....oh...you get the point. 

I am sure more people will fill in what I left out. Have fun with the "miracle" of birth. PLEASE don't get those creepy "couple" pregnancy photos taken.  And remember, you may feel all special and important during pregnancy........you aren't. People have been doing this forever. It's not new, it's just new to you. Try and remain a person and NOT become one of those assholes who can't talk about anything else. Carry on.

I've got a Derby Mind.

    I walk into my work building on a Monday morning with a heavy sigh as I stare down the seemingly long hallway to the stairwell. Every morning I think to myself, "This would be much easier to just skate." I think this several times a day in fact, in almost every place I am at. Side effect of derby: serious addiction. You start seeing derby everywhere, wanting to skate everywhere, buying panties and too short skirts when you walked into a store to get jeans (that you still need), etc.. It becomes difficult and boring to hang out with people NOT involved in derby, because you can't really talk about derby with them. The obsession gets ridiculous.

     It has gotten even worse recently with the addition and training of the "Fresh Meat" or new recruits in the derby world. Seeing derby through their eyes makes it all brand new and exciting all over! I think perhaps even more so, because for the first time, I'm on the other side and helping them along in their endeavor. Every time they perfect a new skill, find a new product, website, slogan, etc., they share it and it becomes thrilling again! Their  dedication and passion is infectious to say the least. Their victories become my victories, become the trainers victories and league victories. It's like falling in love and discovering derby all over again when experiencing it through someone else's eyes.
     I am still by no means a seasoned veteran skater. I still have a long way to go in developing my skills, instincts and athletic physique just to be where I want to be. That's what people don't get about derby girls. The drive we all have. Fanatical perhaps. This sport definitely has the tendency to take over how you think, move, what you eat, people you surround yourself with, right down to how you dress. The confidence, camaraderie, excitement, exercise, challenges, entertainment and of course, the blood, sweat, bruises, and tears, will overtake your life. And you will love every minute of it.