Why Mother's Day Can Suck It

So, if you've been reading my blog for a hot minute, you know that being a single mom isn't all puppies and rainbows and`sing-a-longs and sunshine. Sometimes it's like you live in that garbage room in Star Wars where the heroes get trapped and the walls start closing in on you and the smelly trash seems to be eating it's way up from the floorboards and nobody hears you calling for help or even cares. Just like that. Thank goodness the good people of the greeting card companies thought how nice it should be that moms get a day all their own to feel all specially. Unless those moms are single.

It's a little anti-climactic to plan your OWN Mother's Day celebration, dontcha think? My kids, at seven and four, are not really old enough to plan anything or go to a store on their own. The ex and I quietly despise each other, so he's not doing me any favors. What then? This whole idea of a holiday and a celebration for moms becomes a mockery of what the single mom doesn't have and how she gets to work twice as hard without a break. No husband to shoulder the responsibility, send her to the spa, make her a delicious breakfast, coordinate a special home-made something with the kids for her. FUCKING NOTHING. It sucks.

If I'm lucky, I will get a card from one of the kids that someone at their school has helped them with. IF. I'm being gripey, and yes, it's super lame that this day that's supposed to celebrate me always makes me Bitter Betty, but I do always end up having fun with my kids. Last year, we went to the aquarium together. The year before that we went to the zoo. They don't remember to take it easy on me. They don't shower me with affection. It's okay in the end somehow. They still manage to remind me that they are what keeps me going and we all have each other in the end so who needs all the rest of it?

Suck it, Mother's Day. We aren't buying.

Surviving the Corporate Game

I have only recently joined the corporate world after a LONG bout of unemployment and contract work and HOLY MOLY! It's SO weird. I'm not talking about an office/workplace with a business casual kind of vibe. Nope....this place is suit and tie five days a week. It's such a brand new culture to me that I've had a little trouble assimilating. I regard them with the curiosity and fascination of an anthropologist who has just discovered a lost tribe from the mythological depths of some historical valley.

So I've been picking up a few things here and there and decided to make a list of things I could do to facilitate my ability to fit in.....if I so choose. Let's face it though....most of these people are assholes and I don't really care if they like or talk to me. It's just fun to study them for now.

1. Keep hair tidy and freshly cut. These people hate mess. My hair is rarely in any kind of order, so this is proving difficult.

2. Wear matching shit in boring colors. They key words here are SLACKS, BEIGE, GRAY, IVORY, BLOUSE....basically anything your grandma would look at you in and say how nice you look. Bright colors frighten them unless you opt for a "powersuit", in which case, red is clearly the way to go.

3. BIG fake smile....wear it ALL the time. Even when there is bad news or someone just crop-dusted your cubicle. You can still look like you want to hurt people or cry with your eyes though. There are no rules as far as eyes are concerned.

4. When anyone with a real office (not sitting in a cube) makes a joke or says something vaguely silly, laugh as loud and hard as possible. (Don't fall down or out of your chair)

5. Decorate your cubicle with ONLY the following acceptable items in moderation: kids photos, sport paraphernalia (keep a keen eye for what's the most popular in the office), kid drawings, work-related papers and calendars. THAT IS IT! Don't put up things corporate folk don't understand (ie, art, pictures of your favorite musicians, philosophers, scientists, etc..) Stick to family and sports and motivational posters.

6. Wear expensive clothing. It can't just be boring...it must also be expensive. They know the difference.

7.Make small talk while passing people or getting coffee. Some people may ignore you, but this is okay. It just means you need to seek them out more so that they can see you genuinely care about them and want to get to know them. Small talk can include such pleasantries as "How was your weekend, Phil?" "That's a lovely tie." "End of the month....what more can I say, amirite?"(I call all the men Phil, Robert or Matt as those are the most common names here according to the phone list and the odds are in my favor.)

8. Try and talk about work as much as possible. They all seem really into what they do and focus on the most boring conversations about new policies and company infrastructure. Research some of the most boring areas in different sections of the company so you can "wow" others with your comprehensive knowledge just by using blanket statements. This works for sports talk also.

9. At company gatherings, hang back for a while and gauge who is the loudest/drunkest/wildest person there. Buddy up with them. You will look calm and composed by comparison.

10. I'm still learning the ropes at this stuff....but here are some things I have definitely learned NOT to do:
don't rap old gangster tunes while making coffee, don't "boop" sales reps on the nose, don't donate blood during the work day (especially if you act a little drunk when light-headed), don't try to make up special handshakes with your lunchbox twin (actually, you should probably not even acknowledge that you are lunchbox twins even if you are and you think it's awesome.), and lastly, don't get stuck in a bathroom stall with a broken lock so that you have to crawl out from under the stall to get out. In retrospect, these things may have not helped me to assimilate.

Go forth with confidence that my simple rules will help you climb that corporate ladder! (They don't have any ACTUAL ladders at my work, so I'm not really sure where that saying comes from.)

For the Grieving....

Not Actual Joe....

I lost a really great friend this week. Joe was probably one of the best I will ever have and that says a LOT because I have been really blessed in life with some great people. He really stood out though. There are so many people writing things about him and sharing their favorite memories of him because he was pure gold. I needed to write my own feelings about him down mostly because they are mine, but everyone sees a person a different way. I had nothing but love for my friend. I can feel the empty space in me that his soul's departure has left. Right now, it hurts like the dickens.

Joe was one of the first people I met when I started roller derby just a few years ago. The very first night we hung out together, I gave him a ride to our league's first (now annual) Ugly Sweater Party. My car was broken into that night, the window smashed in. He expressed to me that somehow (in his crazy mind) he felt a little responsible, having ridden in with me. I dismissed him, but regardless, the very next morning, there was a mobile window repairman at my place looking to patch up my window. I called him up and yelled at him that he barely knew me! He had no right! He simply answered that he would not let me drive my kids around in the winter cold without a window and he knew that single moms didn't always have the resources to deal with these situations. THAT was just Joe. Well....he won my heart that day. He won it over and over again many days after.

The REAL Joe

He wouldn't really let me ever pay him back for the window, so I told him that I would be his ride to derby practice for as long as he needed one. (He wasn't driving at the time.) We got to be very close and even my kids came to love him. He became the friend I would call to come over for dinner, go to punk shows with, go swimming, and just bum around and watch movies. He was so very smart and not very fun to play trivia games with. He had a Master's degree in biochemistry....so he seemed to retain just about any information that went near his head. He would work on my car in exchange for food. He helped me move and clean out my old place. He would help ANY friend with just about ANYTHING they ever needed and you hardly even had to ask. What he wouldn't do, is ever ask for help.

Everyone who ever knew him, loved him. He was a tall guy with piercings and a mohawk some of the time who wore a stoic expression most of the time. He was nothing like he appeared. He was goofy, dorky, sensitive, weird, awkward, shy, humble, and amazing. I know so many people that miss him so much right now, not the least of whom, his own daughter, Roxanne. She was his life and his light. He loved talking about her more than any other topic in the world.
My heart goes to her and his family. The short time I knew him made a HUGE impact on me. He will never be forgotten because he made me a better person just for knowing him. Rest in peace big guy....you left a Joe-size hole in this world that nobody else can fill.

How to Quit

I've been asked by TONS of people to write about this. Last year, I quit smoking. I have stayed smoke free since my quit date without a single deviation. This is NO small feat as any smoker knows. Nicotine might be the single most addictive substance out there. Smokers poison themselves slowly and tell themselves it's because they love it because that addiction is so very strong. TRUTH.

Now, I'm not all crusader-y about it (or maybe I am) but I definitely feel like if I could do it, anyone can. I smoked for almost 20 years straight. TWENTY FREAKING YEARS! I quit here and there, but nothing ever really stuck. The bottom line is: I wasn't ready to REALLY commit to quitting. Once you get over that enormous mental hurdle, the rest is cake. Seriously. THAT was my big secret to quitting. You HAVE to be able to tell yourself with complete honesty that you will NEVER, NOT EVER take another drag off a cigarette ever again. And you have to believe it.

First, I set my quit date a couple weeks in advance to mentally prepare myself. It was after my injury last year, so I set my quit date for the day I was getting out of my walking boot. My rationale was, I would be able to move around more instead of being tempted to sit on my ass and smoke. I got some of the nicotine patches to help with cravings, but I got the lowest dosage. I only used them with a little regularity for the first few weeks, then I only put one on when I went out to a bar or party. It really helped with initial temptations.

The BEST tool/resource/aid in my success at quitting HANDS DOWN was this FREE app a friend recommended called Quit Now. It was instrumental and essential in my journey. This app tracks your progress. It tells you how much of your health is returning, how much money you are saving, puts you in contact with others quitting, gives you tips, and marks every achievement no matter how small. It gives you something concrete to refer to so that your accomplishments are marked and have substance. I could not endorse this application more.

Lastly, share your mile markers with friends and family. The support they offer can also make a huge difference. My kids were my biggest cheerleaders and the reason I gave my all. It was easier than I ever thought it could be because of them. I want to be in great health for them and share all their experiences in their lives....not in another room or hanging around outside smoking. I never realized what a time sucker that stuff was! It even becomes a smoker's way of measuring time. STUPID.

This morning I was asking my son if he thought I was forgetting something...because I thought I did and sometimes he is very helpful. He was going through a mental list with me saying, "Keys? Purse? Your money?" Nope....got all those. Then he stunned me by adding to the list, "Smokes?" I stopped short, looked at him and laughed. I said, "Mama quit smoking over a year ago! I don't carry those!" It felt SO fantastic to say out loud, I had to say it a few more times. I QUIT SMOKING! (You can too.)

This One Time In HELL.....

Stupid blog title...better story. I know, I know....WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN EDITH?! Busy and apathetic so get off my back. I'm here now, and with something that may or may not entertain you. I've always gotten great feedback from some of my stories of particular pain on my end. When I'm in agony, it makes for popular fodder. This particular tale dates back to my first days as a mother of two. I was new at juggling a pair of tots and oh so very naive.

So there I was, my one month old boy snoozing happily in the carseat carrier (which any parent can attest are NOT light and easily maneuvered) and a happy little toddler girl bouncing around me fresh off her recent sugar high. I was rounding up the last of my errands and had saved the most detestable for last: The Grocery Store. Not FIVE MINUTES after I had entered the threshold and veered towards the produce, the nightmare began. Baby boy was awake and he was not happy. He began screaming at the top of his lungs and continued to do so for the duration of this story.

I broke into a bit of a mock-jog attempting to make this trip as quickly and efficiently as possible. The girl, however, had schemes of her own. She refused to get in the cart (which, admittedly would have been cramped anyway) and walked at a pace that hearkened that of an elderly man in a botanical garden. Every so often she would stop to touch boxes of cookies and attempt to smuggle them into my wailing cart. Other times, she would dart ahead and around corners playing a one-sided game of Hide and Seek. IT WAS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

Did the fun end there? Well now, that wouldn't make for much of a story! As I finally rushed up to the check out line, eyes from all sides burning straight through me, I tried to remove the now red-faced infant STILL screaming in agony as if someone had sliced off an appendage from his carrier. Holding him with one arm, corralling the devious tot, and unloading my goods onto the conveyor proved to be a bit of a challenge. A woman came over to help me (as anyone within a mile radius could see me struggling) and I was trying to hear her over the wailing, but only caught pieces which weren't helpful anyway because they were in Spanish. While attempting to cradle and comfort the screaming (which was now only inches from my ear), my lovely daughter had somehow obtained a lollipop. The lady in front of me was scowling. "I guess I just bought her that." I looked at the cashier who looked surprised and said "I thought she was with this woman!" I tried to repay the lady and fumbled for my purse as the lady stormed off. I glared at the girl happily waving her prize around.

My items were being scanned, the boy was still screaming, but only a bit quieter than before, and I was digging through my purse when I heard a very familiar voice come over the store intercom. "Hewo? Gwandma? Are you dere? I having fun wif mama!" I looked frantically around and saw my daughter two checkout lines over speaking into a phone receiver. I abruptly handed the cashier my card and ran over to snatch the little escapee up. Upon my return the employee packing up my items had the audacity to ask, "Will you be needing help out with these today?" I could tell he immediately regretted his question when he saw the daggers in my eyes as I glared at him, sweaty, flushed, placing the screeching newborn back into the carrier.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Having one kid is like a vacation compared to managing two of them. And that was the only and LAST time that year I took both kids to the store with me.

Life's a stitch.....

My first cross stitch!

So a few months ago I started to stitch. It's a very addictive hobby. I taught my daughter to stitch and she's become pretty amazing at it! We love having this mellow activity we can do together and enjoy thinking of new creations.

Velvet Underground Stitch

Banksy Stitch

Stitch for my dad....his restaurant logo!

Godzilla Stitch

Fight Club Stitch

Album Cover Stitch!

 I just wanted to share some of what I've been up to on here. Some of these are other people's designs, some are mine and some are just...improvised! Enjoy!

Best of...2012!

Back by popular demand! Best of the facebook madness from 2012. I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year and is excited to see what this year holds in store! 

1-5-2012

"Girl child dressed herself in usual brilliant fashion today. Left the house in purple sneakers, yellow tie-dyed leggings, a black and white checkered skirt, a Hello Kitty tee, with a pink argyle skull sweater over it. She radiates AWESOMENESS."

1-6-2012

"Boy child upon opening his burger-"PICKLES!!! How awesome is THAT?!!" I wish I got that excited about a burger!"

1-11-2012

"This morning: Simon-"I hate humans." Elliott-"You ARE a human, stupid!" Simon-" No I am NOT! I am NOT a human!!!" ah.....now we are getting somewhere."

1-18-2012

"Elliott-"I ate the hell out of my chicken." And she did."

1-20-2012

"Having kids is a really complicated and expensive way to test your waterproof mascara."

1-22-2012

"Girl child handed me a note she wrote that said,"Best fred is mom, ♥ elliott". That's right. I AM the best fred."

1-27-2012

"Just gauging by how much delight my kids get out of spinning until they are dizzy, I'm pretty sure they'll be drunks one day."

2-1-2012

"How much Nyquil is too much? I can't feel my face and somehow, now I have 6 children?"

2-4-2012

"Eating powdered sugar donuts at Dunkin' Donuts and my kids look like extras for the movie "Blow"."

2-11-2012

"My son has given me a cute little nickname. " Grandma". NOT cute."

2-17-2012

"You know how you tell your kid to do something and they do it? What's that like?"

2-21-2012

"I served nachos for dinner and my kids looked at me like I had bought them jetpacks. Mom win!!!"

2-28-2012

"Just threw out a homemade Valentine's card from my kid. So she doesn't have to do it forty years from now. I'm so thoughtful."

2-29-2012

"Boy child told me something perfect this morning. I have been waiting to hear one of my kids say it and it makes me more proud of him than ever. "Mom, I like David Bowie.""

3-1-2012

"Perfect day for zombie tag! Boy child does such an impressive zombie, a little girl started crying! It was awesome."

3-2-2012

"ACTUAL conversation with my three year old while battling a migraine:
Him: "Milk is spilled in my seat."
Me: "That was from your ice cream yesterday."
Him: "No, it's milk."
Me: "No, it's from your sundae."
Him: "NO! It was Friday."
I give up."

3-14-2012

"Girl child this morning- (she told me all this as I was glaring at her laying in bed) "I don't like your eye. It makes you look like a zombie. At least it's not a broken ankle!!! Or even a broken neck. That would be really bad. How would you eat? You couldn't swallow!!!" “

3-19-2012

"Tonight boy child amazed us with his interpretation of some impressive Latin dances. I would have posted the video, but he was wearing black socks and Airwalks. ONLY black socks and Airwalks. My home movies just earned an "R" rating."

3-26-2012

"Pulled girl child out of school early to play Galaga at Taco Via. I RULE!!!"

3-27-2012

"Just when I thought I was making progress. * sigh. Boy child would now like to be called "Fuckit"."

4-3-2012

"Just got to teach my kids a trick I picked up 20 years ago on red sunshine involving glow sticks and a bubble bath. I knew it would still look cool!"

4-4-2012

"In my house this morning:
Girl child-"I just farted on this drum."
Boy child-"I peed on myself."
They had just woken up. Long day ahead."

4-12-2012

"Girl child asked to keep her chicken bone from dinner. She said she just really likes it. Artist or serial killer? Time will tell."

4-13-2012

"Woke up this morning to find a lake of chocolate milk in my kitchen. Kids are exciting."

4-17-2012

"Some awful child came up and screamed in my son's face. He slapped the kid. I would have done the same."

4-23-2012

"Boy child just told me the scariest thing I have ever heard. " Mommy! I cleaned all your stuff!""

4-24-2012

"Today boy child gave me 9 kisses, 5 hugs, 3 tantrums, 4 heart attacks, 18 smiles, 2 blown ear drums, 1 headache, and about 400 new species of germs. It was a good day."

5-2-2012

"If I hear " Mommy watch!" one more time, I may just stab my own eyes out with wood chips to make the follow through impossible."

5-4-2012

"In the car: Me-" What's that sound? Simon, are you blowing raspberries?"
Elliott-" Oh.... that was me. I started drooling on myself.""

5-5-2012

"Listening to girl child learning to read and sounding out words is quite entertaining. It's like listening to my own little Borat. She just read the dvd player as "Sahnya". Lol (Sony)"

5-8-2012

"Spiderman is still here in full costume. He is running around shouting, " I'm Spiderman! I'm here to save the girls and give them high fives!!!" I wish I was three again."

5-9-2012

"Ugh. Just opened the girl's backpack and found a note from her teacher. She was showing everyone her underwear today. As a derby girl, I'm not sure how to respond to this. They were Hello Kitty after all."

5-11-2012

"Boy child has been with dad child all week. I haven't had to vacuum or pick up toys or hardly clean at all this week. It's abundantly clear who is the weakest link."

5-14-2012

"Oh boy. Minions and I are volunteering at a women's shelter this week, so I thought I'd go over some code of conduct. When I was finished, they looked at me with blank stares. Girl child says, "So I have to pretend to be sensitive?"
This may take a while."

5-16-2012

"I'm the best shoe putter onner. One of my lesser known talents."

5-17-2012

"Note from teacher today: "Yesterday there was an incident with a little boy where Elliott put her bottom and "shook it" in his face."
Seriously? Why were there no $1's in her waistband when she got home? We need to have a talk with this little boy about ettiquette."

5-19-2012

"Girl child is learning to whistle. KILL ME NOW."

5-21-2012

"I wish my kids slept more....or longer. They are so perfect and awesome when they are asleep. These are really our best times together. High five comatose children!!!"

5-24-2012

"Girl child (aka Gigantor) is possibly going through another growth spurt. She layed around, slept and ate ALL day and had about 237 mood changes. I can't wait until she is thirteen. (<- I totally can.)"

5-26-2012

"Elliott on the elderly: " He's just an old man. Old mans are just easy to upset.""

5-27-2012

"Boy child just ran up to me while i was laying in bed, shoved his face into my chest and shook his face back and forth like crazy. " What are you doing?!" I asked. He said, "Looking for a boat." Which one of you jerks taught my kid to motorboat?!"

5-29-2012

"Something I discovered today: The pool is like xanax to boy child. He just floats around in his shark floatie with his little mermaid doll just within reach, completely content, limbs splayed. He did this for a half hour straight. He is a marvel."

5-30-2012

"Today boy child woke up briefly from his afternoon nap to sing a bar from Skater Boi and fall right back to sleep. It may have been the cutest thing ever."

6-1-2012

"Boy child is a sneaky, bed-stealing bastard.....but he's too cute to shove off."

6-8-2012

"There is nothing worse than being unable to move and having your children assault you with keyboard songs they have composed to make you feel better.”

6-12-2012

"Some people say children are a blessing. I see mine more as really short, noisy, filthy, incompetent roommates."

6-14-2012

"Girl child is playing pretend that her brother is a squirrel. She has composed a song for him and has been singing " Simon loves his nuts" for about ten minutes. Can't. Stop. Laughing."

6-20-2012

"Me- " How's that ice cream? Wait.... WHERE'S that ice cream?!"
Boy child- " Behind the couch."
Me- " You didn't."
He nods and smiles.
FML."

6-21-2012

"Tip of the week: Temporary tattoos double as a very strong sunscreen. My kids look like leopards."

6-28-2012

"How in the world did I become a kid magnet? I swear at one point today in the pool, I had five kids hanging off me. I was playing King Kong and throwing them off. They just kept coming and now I'm paralyzed."

7-3-2012

"Most Uncomfortable Way To Wake Up #73 - Having a toy human shoved into my ear."

7-6-2012

"Me - "Except for your hair and eye color, you look just like I did when I was a little girl!"
Girl Child - "Yeah.....except not as ugly."
wow. She also has my tact."

7-17-2012

"Me-" Simon! Did you have an accident?!"
Boy - "No. It just rained on my pants."
Hmmm......but….it’s not.”

7-19-2012

"Boy child is playing a song for me on his make-shift drums that he has titled "Hide the Knives". Too early for xanax?"

7-23-2012

"Boy child staring at me as I got out of the shower - " I'm laughing at your face.... but not your boobs. I like looking at your boobs...... but I'm not laughing at them. Just your face."
Kids are evil."

8-1-2012

"My son carries a sparkley purse because
1. It is practical for carrying large amounts of super heroes.
2. He appreciates the sparkles.
3. He is awesome.
Don't judge.

8-5-2012

"My biggest dream is to one day own something that hasn't been peed on. This would make more sense if I had pets. #donewithkids"

8-6-2012

"Girl child's attempts to "tattle" on her brother were thwarted when boy child constantly interrupted her and argued, "She's drunk."
I never know who to believe around here."

8-9-2012

"It's 9am and boy child is listening to Pantera and playing a snow boarding video game in his room naked."

8-10-2012

"Boy child insisted on wearing his sister's Disney princess nightgown to bed tonight. Sometimes he is so gangster, other times...."

8-15-2012

"Girl child overheard me discussing entering her brother in karate lessons and immediately interrupted to voice her objections. She has deemed this idea incredibly stupid."

8-23-2012

"I paid my daughter two bucks to wipe her brother's ass tonight while I was making dinner. Best two bucks I ever spent. #badMom?"

9-4-2012

"Girl child already has been sent home with a few discipline slips so far this year. Today she was charged with "throwing pickles" and "inciting a food fight". How seriously do I take these things?!"

9-11-2012

"As the lady in the drive thru handed me my change, the boy shouted out from the backseat,"That girl is NOT beautiful at all!" From the mouths of babes...."

9-14-2012

"Halloween costume negotiations have officially begun. The boy is asking the impossible this year. I'm supposed to somehow create a Teenage Mutant Scissorhands Shark. FML."

9-15-2012

"I just heard a tiny three year old angry voice yell, "You SUCK Elliott!!!" from the next room. When I stop giggling, I will go in and squash this."

9-27-2012

"Boy child called me a dictator last night.
So I shot him.
In his back.
With a nerf gun."

10-4-2012

"Boy child's new favorite game is Simon Says. I could kill the jerks at school for teaching it to him. He thinks he gets to play it all the damn time. #whatnottonameyourkid"

10-8-2012

"I really need a time traveling cyborg to go back in time and kill the person who invented the kazoo before it saw the light of day. Is that too much to ask for?"

10-18-2012

"Going on a "practice" trick or treat tonight at the high school with the boy. I'm thinking of mixing up his costumes and pairing a Thor costume with a Batman mask so he can go as "That Man""

10-24-2012

"Boy child really has the Halloween spirit. Who else wanders their house in a gas mask and nothing else at seven a.m.?"

11-5-2012

"Last week, boy child discovered how to use his penis as a weapon. Bath time is forever changed. (much to girl child's dismay.)"

11-20-2012

"Don't you just hate it when you open the toilet lid to find an empty Capri Sun floating in a sea of yellow? Welcome to my life."

11-30-2012

"In the car today, Beastie Boys "Girls" comes on. Girl child says, "Mom! They're talking about us! They want US!!!"
Boy child guffaws and says, "He is NOT talking about you guys."
#thanksalot # fouryearoldjerk"

12-11-2012

"Me, exasperated," What am I going to do with you?!"
Boy child, "Uh... put me in a cage or something?"
Tempting...."

12-16-2012

"I suspect girl child is trying to out-oldlady me. Today she took an early nap, started her own stitching project, and listened to Edith Piaf songs on repeat. WTF."

12-17-2012

"I just threatened to chop my kids' heads off if they didn't quiet down and go to sleep. All I got was a sarcastic, " That's a new one.""

12-25-2012

"Assembling big wheels AND drum sets should be listed as a skill set on one's resume."

12-28-2012

"Boy child just rolled over dead asleep and said plain as anything, " You're real stupid mom." It takes super powers to be a jerk even when you sleep."