I haven't been super ranty in a long time. I have been blogging less since my injury. People may have noticed this, they may not have. I find it hard to write when I am busy. It's hard to make time for it, find inspiration and just let go enough to be comical. I recently had this epiphany. People LIKE me more when I am stressed out and grumpy. People seem to think it's hilarious when I am annoyed by shit. Was I really ever aiming for diplomacy with this blog? Hell no. It's my rant for a fucking reason! Let's just get back to that shit. Here are the reasons I rant....and the reasons you assholes think it's so funny to see me freak out.
My kids. Hilarious? Yes. Also, irritating.
ANNOYING SHIT
My kids. They are also awesome in their own right, but they can suck at times like ALL children. They like to wake me up, whistle, throw things at me, run away from me, hide shit from me, make messes, stay up too late, make me fetch shit, complain about things I have no control over, watch the same movies over and over, say inappropriate things to strangers, well.....the list goes on and on. Kids are fucking annoying most of the time. Being a parent is mostly about learning tolerance and how not to kill people.
Phil Collins. I don't need to explain this.
Khaki- It's ugly and unflattering and it needs to go away.....forever.
Bugs- Fuck you guys.....especially the biting ones.
Derby egos- You aren't a rockstar, you aren't playing in the NFL making millions, your "fans" don't adore you or hang on your every word as if you were a literal genius. You play derby. It's a fun sport, that is all. Get over yourself and start loving your league as much as your id.
People that don't make eye contact- you guys really freak me out. WTF?
Huggers - YES! Still annoying as shit. Cut it out. It's for derby family and family only.
Injuries - WHY do you have to take forever to heal?! I need to be a superhero now!
Ziplock bags that don't close right and ones that do but when you pull them open they rip open right UNDER the zip part!!!
Family - They always say the wrong thing.
Loud shoes - Might as well wear a bell.
Thongs - ouch and no
Dubstep - It took me forever to even learn that this was not just a person, rather a genre of music. It sucks horribly and I can't unlearn or unhear it. Next fad please!
Legos - Why so many tiny pieces?! I hate you. You are like ninjas in carpet....and you hurt!
Money woes- I hate that they exist. For me and anyone else. No one should have money problems in this modern age. What happened to the Utopia that was supposed to replace the system by the time I grew up? And where's my hoverboard?!!!
That's all I got for now....I have too many things really and no concentration. I have new blog plans and must set about making them a reality. Bwahahahaha!!!!
Hi. Fact is I have not engaged in a full-on rant about dads. For a long time, I felt the need to keep quiet about it, lest my own experiences on the matter seep out and injure someone and/or air out my personal business. I still keep things very personal to me as such. As for injuring "someone", I no longer care. I am tired of approaching the matter and him with kid gloves. This topic is the source for most of my anger and rage. Letting it out will feel good. Exposing some truth about a certain type of father will feel amazing. I have been doing ALL the heavylifting and it's time for just a bit of vindication.
I REALLY like the idea of a dad. All I have is a vague concept of what he's supposed to be. My own father lived out of state most of my life and was never around for many experiences. I always had his love, guarded support, and he always contributed to my education and monetary needs. I have a great dad. He just has not been a physical presence. It may have a direct relation to my perception of what a dad should be like and where I went wrong in choosing my mate. (Purely speculation, it may have nothing to do with anything.)
I see what I may envision in my mind as "The Perfect Dad" at the parks with their kids. They engage their kids, chase them, help them up ladders and reach the water fountain, teach and talk with their kids, feed and nurture them, much like their mothers do. Observing these people always bothers me. I get jealous. My kids don't have a guy like this in their lives. I envy the mothers that get their afternoon off from the kids and imagine them off having lunch with friends or getting pedicures. I actually fantasize about doing these things! I'm not even sure if they realize how lucky they are. I have friends like this. It's getting harder to relate to them.
Luckily, (and not so much), I also have friends that are in similar situations as myself. We have full time custody, rarely get the donors to take their kids, when we do it's a mess and we have to de-program them from the visit, and we never get any monetary support. We just do and go and give without question or faltering. We have to overcome so much and are NEVER allowed a sick day. It's a total shit job and it's round the clock, every day. We do it because WE are all our kids have. We aren't superheroes. We have weak moments, scared times, days when we feel like we are the WORST moms around. All we have to do is compare ourselves to our male counterparts in our particular equation and that usually gives us the boost we need. Unlike them, we will NEVER fail our kids.
In dating, should I ever have any time to go on dates, this is something us moms have to consider. "Perfect Dad" potential. I am very wary of men in general after my experiences. I don't trust them with my kids. I can take the heartbreak, my kids can't. This has been the biggest hurdle to overcome. I doubt many men read this blog anymore (as I have certainly alienated my male audience by now), but if you are reading this and you are estranged from your kids.....just stop. Get yourself together for their sake and for the sanity of their mother. Take care of them the way you set out to in the beginning. It's never too late.
Okay, so I go on quite a bit about my kids, the good and the bad. I ranted for a bit on how bad it sucks to be pregnant. That was really no fun. I did manage to leave out this perfect little moment of time in there when you have you and your baby and nothing else in the world seems to matter. It being springtime and all and the fact my dear derby friend, Roxy Lawless, is nearing the end of her pregnant misery, it occurred to me that I should let her in on some of the good stuff about to come her way as well. Not just good stuff.....the BEST stuff.
After all the pushing and screaming and lights and people and gross bodily fluids are all done, you are left holding this tiny person. You feel like a god for having created such beauty. The nurses lay this tiny human on you and it all just kind of clicks for the first time. You go over this new specimen with your eyes and hands and just marvel at it's infinite glory. This baby is your ENTIRE world as are you to it. You are tied together in a whole new path of discovery and awe and the whole thing is simply amazing.
There is this whole other person in you, turns out, who pretty much knows just what to do in most situations. This other person kind of takes over for a few years. This new person is also CRAZY protective. You feel this primal instinct to protect and defend....and do so with all the ferocity of the most feared beast you can imagine. It's actually pretty easy to imagine ripping someone's limbs off who may intend your child any harm. Being a mother makes you quite dangerous.
There will be moments that will live with you forever. You will stay awake, after already being awake for 37 hours straight, just so you can watch your baby sleep. You memorize every curve and fold of that soft, pink skin. The feel of those tiny feet and toes...and the way they look in the palm of your hand. You will be content to kiss and hold this new being all day long without any outside interference for a long while. It will be the single most terrifyingly wonderful event of your entire life. Soak all of it up while you can! It is far too fleeting. Congrats mama!
I love cheese. SO many people say this....but they are liars. They LIKE cheese. They don't really love it. Most people don't have the time and commitment it takes to really get to know and love cheese. Cheese does NOT come in an aerosol can.....EVER. If you like that crap...stop reading now. You just disappoint me.
Being a true cheese connoisseur is a badge of honor. I consider myself in only the beginning rankings of this prestigious title. Knowing the cheeses is only half the battle. One should also be aware of how to serve them and what pairings work best. Gorgonzola can be quite strong all by it's lonesome, but if you melt it into a cream sauce and serve it over pork chops with pan-seared pears....it's sublime. I like to keep no less than 5-6 varieties of cheese in my fridge at any given time. This affords me the opportunity to experiment when cooking!
My TOP 10 CHEESES!!!
Petit Basque- French harder cheese made from sheep's milk with nutty undertones I like to slice thin and eat with a baguette.
Ten Year Aged White Wisconsin Cheddar- It speaks for itself....AMAZING.
Port Salut- A soft cheese that spreads easily (TWSS), it has a bit of a bite but works on almost any cracker or bread and never overpowers.
Dutch Gouda- I found a great flavor of this at Better Cheddar that was made from goat milk and had a lovely honey finish to it. Don't bother with a smoked Gouda unless that smokey taste is all you want to come through.
Brie- Soft cheese with an outer rind that can easily discourage new tasters. This cheese is pretty versatile though. It pairs well cold with fruit or baked (even fried!) served with a fruit compote on crackers or bread and you will be in love.
Manchego- This is a great starter cheese if cheese tasting freaks you out or just confuses you. It it very subtle, a little harder of a cheese and pairs well with fruits, chocolates and most red wines. It's simple and beautiful.
Le Roule- This French soft, creamy cow's milk cheese closely resembles feta in flavor. I like to use it as a base for bruschetta or just on a bread all by itself!
Emmentaler- One of the two varieties of Swiss cheeses, this one is just my favorite. I like it cold with pickles on a sandwich or grated and tossed in with just about any casserole or dip, and of course....melted with some kirschwasser for a fondue!!!
Parmesan- A very basic, very essential cheese in my world. NO, not that disgusting powder that clogs the shakers at pizza parlors. Yuck. I mean a REAL grated Parmesan....perfect for melting over meats, in sauces, adding to dips, or just topping a salad!
Feta- One of my first ventures into the world of "different" cheeses...so I will always have a special place in my tummy for feta! I LOVE Greek food, so this little guy is pretty much a staple in my diet sitting on a nice, warm pita.
Here in Kansas City, it's pretty easy to find gourmet cheeses at places that let you sample. Better Cheddar is one of my favorites, but be prepared to pay for it! With specialty crackers, pickles, chutneys, chocolates and sausages....it's pretty easy to drop a bill in there for an elegant platter. Whole Foods would be my runner up in this category where unlike Cheddar, I can also buy some fresh bread. I can find Port Salut at Price Chopper for about half what it costs at Better Cheddar. Hopefully this guide is somewhat enlightening for some folks. This is an obsession for me....cheese worship. Don't tell me you LOVE cheese unless you are ready to talk some serious shop.
*This blog is full of sweeping generalizations and I am not pin-pointing anyone directly. If you find glaringly obvious similarities to yourself in this blog, please, stay the hell away from me.*
Most of today's men have been raised by their moms, it's true. Single mothers have raised you and failed you. You have been coddled, your egos have been lifted, you've been nurtured, and your mother loved you no matter what. The world is not your mom. What you really needed was that firm hand of your father to slap the sense into you and scold you when you deserved it. You needed that dad around EVERY day to show you how to behave, respect women, be rough and rugged, stop primping yourself and call you a damn sissy when warranted. The dad is supposed to be there to keep that stuff in check and teach you about responsibility and independence.
There is an astonishing lack of stability and self confidence that would support those last two little attributes up there in most men today. It is the singular trait that scares me the most about entering into any serious relationship. Am I really ready to adopt another child? This is what I have to genuinely ask myself. There is always so much hand-holding in my past relationships, the feeding the ego, the forced attention and neediness, constant reassurance, and basically the only voice of reality in their whole existence that I would have to become. I may have just been attracting the wrong men. There might be strong, self assured, smart and independent men out there. I just have yet to meet them (or date any).
This isn't even a NEW affliction. They used to call it the "Peter Pan Syndrome". Society even panders to it. Video games have become the new medium for men (and some women alike) to enter into a false reality and ignore their responsibilities and pretend they lead a more exciting life. Some characteristics of the disorder are the inability of individuals to take on responsibilities, to commit themselves or to keep promises, excessive care about the way they look and personal well-being and their lack of self-confidence, even though they don’t seem to show it and actually come across as exactly the opposite. Sound familiar to anyone?
So, BUCK UP guys!!!! Put on your big-boy pants and stop whining about your job, go back to school and train yourself for a new one. Stop eating crap from the microwave, insisting you can't cook or just being too damn lazy to fix yourself something! Stop putting gel in your hair! Just stop on that one. Stop bitching about your weight and exercise to add or lose what you want. For the love of Pete(r Pan, lol) STOP LIVING WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!! Just stop expecting the world to fix your problems (and whether you think you have them or not, YOU DO) and get off your momma's-boy ass and solve them! This is NOT the job of your significant other and you shouldn't even be LOOKING at us fine, single ladies until you can treat us proper. WORD.
It's that time of year when everyone starts getting their year in review in perspective. I thought I would exploit that mentality a little for the sake of my blog. This here is my year in review......with my kids. These are the best of my kid-related facebook updates from the year. And yes....they all happened. Welcome to to my world.....I laugh A LOT.
While dropping off girl child at school, watching her run up the steps outside I sigh and say, "She is so cute and little!" Boy child scowling in the backseat says bitterly, "She's an idiot." Okay then.*sigh*
Last week
My kids seem to think it's funny to make choking/gagging sounds when I'm in the next room to make me hobble in fast to check on them. I think it's funny to force them to choose which relative they want to live with.
Elliott.....a true original.
Last week
So, I'm telling the kids that a team mate is coming over tonight and boy child asks,"But does she have a tail?"
December 1
Elliott just shuffled glumly into the kitchen where I was and slumped her head on the counter and said,"I feel like shit today." When did my 5 year old turn 20?!
November 6
Yesterday, I had a good friend tell me, "I'm glad you're not the type who bubble wraps her kids, ya know?" To which I replied,"Never! I hand them razorblades and kick them down a flight of stairs!" I have no delusions about my parenting methods.
October 7
Boy child threw toy at sister, then fell off couch. Her response? "That's his bad caramel." Um....that's kharma kid, kharma.
October 9
Laying next to boy child in bottom bunk, after hearing growling and snorting he says, "I'm scared! It's a monster!!!" Girl child's voice from top bunk,"It's just me. I'm all stuffy." Allergy fail.
October 11
Simon......the SCARY.
Just when I start bragging how cool girl child is for wanting to be Betty Boop for Halloween.....she switches it up on me. At the costume shop, all bets were off. She opts instead to be.......A FRICKIN' BANANA. That's right. My daughter will be sporting a banana suit for Halloween. She may be cooler than I ever thought.
October 17
Walking into daycare this morning, boy child and I passed a dad walking out. Boy says,"I don't like that guy." I asked why, to which he replied,"I just don't like that guy." Boy child has awesome instincts and rationale.
September 23
My son ate powdered doughnuts this morning and was a mess. Ran into a mom friend dropping him at daycare. My friend took one look at his face and said, "You look like Chris Rock in New Jack City Simon." And THAT is why I love her.
September 20
Waiting for an x-ray. Girl child and monkeybars don't mix. She told me,"I think I did some danger."
September 16
Lesson in biology from Elliott tonight:"If you didn't have a butthole, you would end up pooping out your mouth because your butt is connected to your mouth."
September 30
Dressing girl child this morning, I told her,"This belt goes with that dress." She replied, "It doesn't need a belt." I said, "Well.....it's more for decoration." She said, "Like I'm a Christmas tree now?!!" Smart ass.
September 7
I would rather have my colon cleansed with fire ants than EVER attend another school skating party with both my kids.
August 31
In the car after school, girl child says, "I'm doing my homework. I am a genius." I would give her claims more credibility if I hadn't just gotten a note last week from her teacher complaining of her taking her shoes and socks off and "hitting things with her socks." Dream on child.
August 29
Boy child went impressively savage tonight. Refused to let me cut his steak up and ate it whole with hands and teeth. SO proud.
August 28
While wearing a ballerina dress and lip gloss, my son informed me he would like to be a mermaid for Halloween. His big sister definitely holds sway over him.
Not that I think I am some major badass whose shit doesn't stink.....because that is NOT me at all. I do have a pretty normal confidence level, above average intelligence, a decent smile, I am articulate, I have a good sense of humor, and I have always prided myself on being self-reliant and very capable. Those last two being taken away from me, I have had to rely largely on the rest of my talents. Life on a walker is turning into a frustrating existence. The following is a list of humbling events. Someday, I will look back on all this and laugh. Right now, I am just grinding my teeth into a smile and suffering this shit in silence.
The sympathy gaze. Stop it. I'm a short-term cripple. I'm not on fucking life support.
Heavy doors. They hurt. They collapse on me too quick. I get stuck in them. Boo.
Rubber mats in my office doorways. QUIT TRIPPING ME UP! They stick to walkers: this is very dangerous and unflattering for me!!!!
Shopping in a store scooter. Reaching things is hard, people stare, it makes loud beeps when you back up, and my shopping partner being an asshole does NOT help.
Entering a daycare on a walker. Nothing like children en masse staring at me to make me feel extra out of place. Thanks to the little mexican boy who made things super awkward by letting me know he had his entire church pray for me. It's JUST A BROKEN ANKLE. Jeebus.
Heels. Cute, sexy, fun, going-out-on-a-Friday-night heels. Fuck you guys. Quit looking at me. I'm not wearing you anytime soon, much less going out on a Friday night.
Joggers. If I see you flaunting your usefullness of both legs on the side of the road while driving, your life is in danger. That was your warning.
Quit using a higher pitched voice when you talk to me. I am not five years old. This goes hand in hand with the sympathy smile, head tilt, and repetitive questions with emphasis on verbs. "How ARE you today?" I was fine until I was confronted with your condescending looks and speech. Go feed some orphans.
Stairs. Fuck em......just.......fuck em.
The Holidays. Their very existence at this time is infuriating. Shopping is hard, people are on "spread cheer" mode, extra sympathy smiles, doors being held open, helping me with shit even though I am a complete stranger. It sucks. Makes me feel like a needy person. I DESPISE being needy.
Just excuse me if I'm not all smiles and cheer this season. Every day I get knocked down a few pegs on the confidence meter by normal stuff you do with two legs. I am ready to be healed and will NOT take shit for granted. Lesson learned. Til then, I will sit in the corner getting drunk on schnapps (or whatever somebody fetches for me) singing Eric Carmen hits into my karaoke party machine while making sarcastic jabs at anyone who passes. K? K.
