Edith's Quick Guide to Dating

It recently occurred to me that after about twelve years of dating and five years of marriage (though it ended in ruins), I have amassed quite a bit of valuable information when it comes to ensnaring a member of the opposite sex and just dating in general. Even though the very idea of going on dates myself makes my blood run cold and my stomach turn, far be it from me to begrudge my sisters a little wisdom I have picked up along my romantic timeline. I would like to preface this list with the disclaimer that these are for dating. This is not relationship advice. You are on your own there.

"OMG! You're so funny!"

1. Be funny, engaging, interesting and quirky. Dates are SUPPOSED to be a good time...so keep a positive attitude. DON'T talk about depressing or serious crap.....especially in the first couple dates. NOBODY likes Debbie Downer.
2. Show a little skin, but not TOO much. Short skirts if ya got the legs, a little cleavage if you're stacked, maybe an off the shoulder is workin' for ya.....NOT ALL OF THESE AT ONCE. At least not if this has any possibility of going ANYWHERE relationship-wise. He will not want to take Slutty McShowsitall home to meet mom.
3. If you don't want to know the answer to something....DON'T ASK!!! Girls do this crap all the damn time and it is annoying.
4. DON'T call. LIMIT texts. I cannot emphasize this enough. How many times have you watched this nightmare drama when your friend likes someone and bombards them with communication. It freaks people out!!! Especially when they are new to you and don't know that you don't "normally" act like that. (Pshaw...right).

If all else fails....this shirt is a GREAT ice breaker.

5. Let him set the tone for communication. Guys need to grow a pair in this field and I'm a bit old fashioned like that. IF he starts getting over-eager with the texting and calling, BACK HIM OFF. Not in a mean way, just setting some ground rules kinda way. IF you don't back him off, you will have a control-freak parasite on your hands and if that's what you are into....well....have at.
6. NEVER clear your schedule in hopes of a date. ALWAYS plan things and keep busy. You can always cancel on a girls night at the bar if a great date comes up....but if you fail to make plans, you will be obsessing about stupid girl bullshit. It is very important to HAVE A LIFE. Also important to note here, the date you desire does not take over this life. I hate those dramatic bitches that always have some guy that is making or breaking their entire existence. Those people are just undateable.
7. DO : Smile, be confident, make lots of eye contact, ask interesting questions, crack jokes (NOTHING is sexier than someone who makes you laugh), make the best out of ANY situation.

8. DON'T : talk about clothing, hair or make-up (he doesn't care), text or call other people while you are on a date (RUDE!),  talk about old boyfriends or bad relationships, and DO NOT sleep with him on the first FEW dates. Trust me on this. Regret is an ugly shade of orange.
9. Plan a fun date. Don't go over to someone's house and drink.....that's not a date, that was high school. Go bowling, see a band, go to a festival, go horseback riding....ANYTHING....but make it fun!
10. DON'T GET DRUNK. Tipsy? fine. Drunks are NOT attractive people, no matter how attractive they are sober. Just keep this in mind next St Patrick's Day and you'll see what I mean.

Okay? Go have fun! I was always great at going on dates, having a great time, making sure my date had fun, and never getting too attached too quickly. That is what dating is about and maybe one day, I'll take my own advice and enter that world again.