Monday, April 2, 2012

On Dads

Who IS this dad?!!!
Hi. Fact is I have not engaged in a full-on rant about dads. For a long time, I felt the need to keep quiet about it, lest my own experiences on the matter seep out and injure someone and/or air out my personal business. I still keep things very personal to me as such. As for injuring "someone", I no longer care. I am tired of approaching the matter and him with kid gloves. This topic is the source for most of my anger and rage. Letting it out will feel good. Exposing some truth about a certain type of father will feel amazing. I have been doing ALL the heavylifting and it's time for just a bit of vindication.

I REALLY like the idea of a dad. All I have is a vague concept of what he's supposed to be. My own father lived out of state most of my life and was never around for many experiences. I always had his love, guarded support, and he always contributed to my education and monetary needs. I have a great dad. He just has not been a physical presence. It may have a direct relation to my perception of what a dad should be like and where I went wrong in choosing my mate. (Purely speculation, it may have nothing to do with anything.)

I see what I may envision in my mind as "The Perfect Dad" at the parks with their kids. They engage their kids, chase them, help them up ladders and reach the water fountain, teach and talk with their kids, feed and nurture them, much like their mothers do. Observing these people always bothers me. I get jealous. My kids don't have a guy like this in their lives. I envy the mothers that get their afternoon off from the kids and imagine them off having lunch with friends or getting pedicures. I actually fantasize about doing these things! I'm not even sure if they realize how lucky they are. I have friends like this. It's getting harder to relate to them.

Luckily, (and not so much), I also have friends that are in similar situations as myself. We have full time custody, rarely get the donors to take their kids, when we do it's a mess and we have to de-program them from the visit, and we never get any monetary support. We just do and go and give without question or faltering. We have to overcome so much and are NEVER allowed a sick day. It's a total shit job and it's round the clock, every day. We do it because WE are all our kids have. We aren't superheroes. We have weak moments, scared times, days when we feel like we are the WORST moms around. All we have to do is compare ourselves to our male counterparts in our particular equation and that usually gives us the boost we need. Unlike them, we will NEVER fail our kids.

In dating, should I ever have any time to go on dates, this is something us moms have to consider. "Perfect Dad" potential. I am very wary of men in general after my experiences. I don't trust them with my kids. I can take the heartbreak, my kids can't. This has been the biggest hurdle to overcome. I doubt many men read this blog anymore (as I have certainly alienated my male audience by now), but if you are reading this and you are estranged from your kids.....just stop. Get yourself together for their sake and for the sanity of their mother. Take care of them the way you set out to in the beginning. It's never too late.