Thursday, June 28, 2012

Day #Whatever - Why I Suck

Gross, sweaty, busy. turns out this 30 Days of Blogging just isn't for me. I'm WAY too busy to even stop for 20 minutes to rattle off about whatever has me pissed off that day. I have two kids that seem to need stuff NON STOP, meals to cook, a house to keep clean, enough freelance work to keep me super busy, derby commitments, and a social life to tend to. Add to that an unexpected vacation for a few days, an unexplained back injury, and the usual time allotted for personal hygeine, and...well...blogging often takes a backseat for me.

I was kind of retarded for thinking I could do 30 days straight. It usually takes my a while to build up enough pent up anger to really get going on a rant, so I apologize for the lack of rantiness lately. I'll get back to it. This summer is heating up fast and that usually lends itself to a good low level of irritation. It was an interesting experiment! The most interesting thing I think I found through this, is that the Inflatable Penis story got the most attention. I may very well start throwing out some stories of my youth. There are some ones. Stay tuned for further (better) ranting! Over and out.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Day # 19 - Don't Argue Drunk

This is an important lesson I never seem to learn. I love to argue. I love to get my blood boiling and get other people all up in arms by saying just the right thing to get under their skin and using crazy debate warfare, such as logic. I am more argumentative than ever while I am off skates. (Recent discovery) There are just times and places when being contrary works better than others. Drunk, while sometimes entertaining, is not always a good idea. It's unpredictable. People get angrier when you push those little hot buttons. In short, a bitch can get stabbed and shit!

No, I didn't get stabbed. Not even close. I did get in a ludicrous argument with a big drunk idiot. A drunk idiot I knew, some years prior, happened to see late night in Denver at an all night diner after PRIDE, wearing a strapless sundress and sitting in a corner marveling at his own awesomeness. I only remembered AFTER I had sauntered over to say hello why I had avoided him when he lived in the same city. By then it was too late and it was all, buckle up and get ready for a visit to Crazy Town.

The source of the argument? I can't even remember where it started, but for some reason, this fuckwad was insisting that his cats were more important than kids....not just my kids, but kids in general. Now, I am a HUGE freak about my kids like most good parents, so we get a little overprotective anyway when somebody starts talking smack. I have never been one of those people that thinks my kids are just AMAZING for all the tiny things they do, or sees them as future presidents or whatever. Shit, boy child will be lucky to get into trade school at the rate he's going, but really? Fucking cats? He was comparing his life of being a gay male and having a bad break-up with his boyfriend and taking care of his cats to me, going through a divorce and taking care of two kids. He seemed to think these are equal situations. I was more composed than I should have been. NEVER arguing that shit again. Ugh.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Days #15, 16, 17 & 18 - I Win, I Fail

So as you can see by the title of this blog, the whole "30 Days of Blog" thing isn't quite going as well as I planned. I could have blogged over the weekend and stayed the course, sure, but I was too busy having a FUCKING AWESOME TIME!!!! Opening my laptop was only for design emergencies, of which there was only one. So.....the blog thing took a backseat to my amazing vacation time. It was, hands down, the best road trip I have ever gone on in my life! It was so fantastic, I'm sure you can understand it took precedence over your boredom-curing/causing reading material.

I won't ruin it for myself or my comrades by combing through the weekend's events. Let it suffice that it was just one of those weekends where everything falls together beautifully and life shows you that things CAN come together perfectly, for no reason at all. I desperately needed to feel it and see it and I'm not going to rant, just offer a thank you to the universe for that time and those people. Happiness was granted!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Day #14 - Calm Before the Storm

I must be a crazy person. Only I would schedule a job interview first thing in the morning right before I have to pack up my kids, drop them with their dad, pack up myself, and head out on a road trip with three of my best guys in the world. Before that idea gets too exciting, one of the guys is my brother. That should tame it down only slightly. The road trip is to Colorado for an epic weekend with the guys to see MINISTRY!!! I'm pretty fucking pumped.

The awesome part of me (Edith) is ready to blare loud music, get drunk and party all weekend. The mom me made black bean and corn salsa and some "nibbles" for the road. Last road trip I went on was with kids. Excluding a mini road trip a couple weeks ago with my derby teammates to a city about an hour away. It was a great time, but not nearly the shit show this promises to be! I am taking my laptop and will try to keep up with this 30 days thing.....and I do solemnly swear, I am up to no good.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day #13 - The Pool

I'm getting the hang of this unemployment stuff. Besides applying to jobs like crazy and waiting around to hear from them, there's really not much more you can I go to the pool. I got a family pass for the summer way in advance, just knowing it would be where we would be hanging out this summer. I didn't know at the time exactly how much time this was going to be....and right now, it's all the damn time! In the area I live at, you pay for one "family pass" and it is good for six area pools. It's kind of awesome that we can go to a different pool every day if we want.

I have already outlawed one pool. It had a fucking sand area that turned out to be the bane of my entire week. The very first thing boy child did was to take his bucket, fill it several times with water, create a lake in the middle of the sand area, and lay in it. Fuck a bunch of sand that now covers the inside of my new van. I was still scraping sand off the boy's scalp three days later. The girl didn't do much better ergo, banned from the sand pool.

I found one that I like a LOT. I base this on the baby pool area. It's fenced in, super shallow, almost always empty, and I can just sit and read. I dump out a bag full of water toys and hide my head in a book. The downside is, on any random Tuesday, the stay-at-home mom sect is out in full effect and they are DYING for adult conversation. I just want to read and ignore my kids for awhile, they want to make new friends and plan playdates. NO THANKS. The moms out where I live are renowned assholes and snooty bitches. When and IF I ever feel the need to socialize, I end up hanging with the nannies and sitters where we talk books and make fun of our kids we are watching. Yup.....summer is just as I always remembered it.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day #12 - Inflatable Penis

I realize I am getting this in just on the wire for this to count as day 12, but I honestly wasn't quite sure what I was going to rant about until just a few minutes ago when the combination of my summer shandy and the painkillers I am on began to coalesce into this moment of genius. A story from my younger days of folly. This particular one is rarely one I have told, but always gives me a chuckle upon reminiscence.

So I studied for a good portion of time during my college years in Germany. It was in fact my major. My professor over there was a stodgy, old and critical man who had started his career, not as a college professor, but in the CIA stationed in Cold War Berlin. He was a fantastic specimen to frustrate. He was assigned to teach my class in his last year as a professor, on the brink of retirement. My comrade and I felt the need to make his last year his most memorable.

We, my entire class and the professor, were scheduled to spend our Spring Break in Spain. Malgrat De Mar. Our professor had told our class that we were not to speak to him, sit with him, or look at him during this vacation. He was staying in the same hotel, yet wanted no part of our company. This rift was further emphasized when he decided to book us all on a day long bus ride to our destination, while he booked himself on an airline. My class buddy and I, a fellow I had many great adventures with by the name of Brent, decided this was our chance to really cut loose. No professor monitoring us, no guest parents, just us left to our own corruption.

We toyed with the professor for a couple days. Pretending to follow him around and always yelling hello when we saw him. His response was usually to immediately turn and go the opposite direction. The weather got hotter, Brent and I got more drunk! We decided to step up our game. It was time to pull out a certain gem we had bought at an Erotic Museum while travelling through Munich.

The next time our professor saw us, was when he walked out onto the pool deck. He stopped short and stared in disbelief. My friend Brent and I were waving and calling to him from the pool holding pina coladas in one hand and riding a six foot inflatable penis. He actually dropped his glass and hid his face before going back in the direction he came in. It was one of those perfect moments in one's life where all the planets seemed to align just right. I'll always think of this moment when I'm blue.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Day #11 - The Fucking Job Market

I have technically been unemployed for about 4 months now. To some, this may not seem like a long time in this economy, but to me, it's an eternity. I have never been one to sit on my ass and not earn my keep. That's what this feels like. I'm trying to make the best of it, spending loads of time with my kids, picking up more freelance work, seeing old friends and keeping a neat house. I'm over all that shit! I just want to get back to work.

This economy is a joke. I hear people saying that it's slowly getting better, yet the unemployment statistics aren't budging and I'm hearing stories of people that have been unemployed for YEARS. Smart people, with college degrees and technical skills. I can attest to the level of competition out there. I have never been unemployed in my life for more than a few weeks aside from taking time to stay at home with my kids right after they were born. I hear from employers about the flood of applications and resumes they receive after posting a position. They have to take longer to hire someone because they have to sift through hundreds of applicants. RIDICULOUS!!!

In the past month, I have applied to no fewer than 346 positions posted. That is the count I have by tallying just the confirmation emails in my email account. This economy is failing us. People are looking to blame someone. The president, the last president....I really don't care. I just want it to get better in a hurry. I want people to stop  worrying and fixating on money so much. I just want to be able to sit back and enjoy life without the added stress of the big dark "economy" cloud hovering over us. I'm an experienced, educated woman willing to work hard. So how come there's no place for me?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Days #8, 9, 10 - Whoops

I'm already getting behind on this 30 Days of Ranting! I threw out my back a few days ago and have been subjected to not only incredible amounts of pain, but my children's renditions of their favorite "Get Well" songs to me on their keyboards. There are not enough pain pills in THE WORLD to make that stuff awesome. They are sweet, but it's like having a pain sandwich topped with pain served with a side of excruciating. I can tell they did feel a little bad for me and altered their bad behavior only slightly.

Boy child continues to terrorize his sister and I on a regular basis. Bad back or not, sometimes we just have to hide out until his temper storm blows over. When it's over and done, he can be the sweetest boy! He gives us kisses and hugs non-stop and tells us how much he loves us. I just never know when that switch will get flipped though...and that scares the hell out of me (and girl child). Sometimes when he is having his Hulk moment, girl child and I will fantasize what our lives could be like without him around. I know this sounds awfully mean and we would never wish it to be fully true....but it helps us cope.

For now though....both kids are with their dad for a few days as I try to regenerate and find my zen place again. For now, I adjourn to a swimming pool so that I may read and sunbathe and cool off free from the shackles of "Mommy watch!" Hope everyone else enjoys their Sunday! I do solemnly swear to be a better blogger from here on out!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Day #7 - Summer Daze

Due to the economy, getting laid off, blah, blah, blah, I've been doing freelance work and staying home with my kids. ALL THE TIME. This is really fricking difficult because kids are extra high maintenance pain in the ass people to deal with on an all the time basis. I think I may lose my mind before I am gainfully employed again. Not even joking.

I barely have time to get to this blog. Kids are super crazy people that only know their own egos and desires and require immediate gratification. I hear constantly all day, every day, "Look mom!" "Watch mom!" "Right, mom?" "Can we, mom?" "Can you get this?" "Can I have this?" "I can't get this!" "I NEED that!" "I don't want this!" "Are you listening to me?!" "Mom? Mom! MOM!!!!" Non-fucking-stop. It's incredibly hard to handle.

The thousand-yard stare is a phrase coined to describe the limp, unfocused gaze of a battle-weary warrior, but the symptom it describes may also be found among victims of other types of trauma. Like over-exposure to children maybe? Go to the swimming pool around 2 o'clock on any Thursday and look in all the faces of the stay-at-home moms. You'll see what I mean. I'm there too. I go into a daze as soon as the kids begin to clamor around me and give the conditioned responses....."That's nice." "You're so silly." "Good job." "Stop fighting!" "Don't bite your sister!" "Do you want to leave RIGHT NOW?!!".....and so on.

I am pretty good at keeping the dictators at bay. Keeping them busy is key. However, there are a fuck-ton of hours to fill in the summer and it's too hot already for me to lose my cool. I cart them to swimming pools, the library, walks, parks, playgrounds, farm tours, fishing, play dates, museums, festivals, fountains, animal shelters, etc.. I am losing my damn mind this summer and my readers will be reaping all the rewards!!! Jerks.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Day #6 - Birthday Blog

Me and Barbie are celebrating this shit.
So I had this really inspirational and rather insipid little blog half written in preparation for this day and then I drank some rum and got angry and erased it. It was all upbeat and I was looking back at my accomplishments in the last year and ....who gives a shit?! Right? So now I'm typing this after only one cocktail and a little tipsy an hour before I get another year added on. I'm bitter, grumpy, tired.....and to make matters worse, my mom got my age wrong when she messaged me. Although it WAS nice of her to give me three more years back, it doesn't make up for her offering to send me Phil Fucking Collins cds as a present. (which now leads me to believe she hasn't gotten me one.) Dammit.

I do love birthdays! I just hate getting older. Who's not on board with a day that is committed to celebrating the fact that they are alive though? I love the idea. A day for me! (which also happens to be D-Day, but....whatever. ME.) My kids will do whatever I tell them, I get to wear a crown, I get to eat my favorite foods and surround myself with awesome people. This is how I foresee my day going. This is not how it will end up, but the rum is making me a little more optimistic in spite of myself. Happy Birthday to me! I'm a little older, a little angrier, a lot less stinky since I quit smoking this year, and a little limpier.

Day #5 - Phil Fucking Collins

Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill
I have dreaded blogging about this turd for as long as I've been at this idiocy. This guy irks me SO much it's almost impossible to put into words. It's like Chinese where they have a symbol or word that evokes a certain emotion that other languages just fall short of expressing, so there is no direct translation. It's a sort of pit of rage and bile that foams up from a place of pure dark energy that is....Phil Fucking Collins.
I hate him SO hard it's ridiculous. I once asked for a Phil Fucking Collins pinata for my birthday. I didn't get one, so the contempt was left to fester. Some people say, "What did Phil Fucking Collins ever do to you?" I'll tell you what that fucktard did to me, HE HAS PERFORMED AN ALL OUT AURAL ASSAULT ON ME FOR MOST OF MY LIFE!!! His jerkface minions carry out his work when the radio stations, djs, dressing room soundtracks and swimming pool speakers have successfully been avoided. People think it's funny to irritate the hell out of me and that guy does the job pretty effectively. He has the ability to IMMEDIATELY transform my good mood into a grumbling mess of anger and disgust. Just look at that smug penishead glaring at you. Don't you just want to take that sledgehammer Peter Gabriel croons about and do something amazing to his face?!!!
I know what I'm asking for by admitting this. I know there will be a flood of his face and songs in the days and most likely months to come. Bring it bitches. I need the evil energy to keep on plugging through and I have 25 more days of ranting to get through.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Day #4 - On Dating

Interesting thing about is so very strange no matter what age, stage, coolness, craziness, stability, no matter WHAT you are or have in your life, dating is always just about the most fucked up thing you can do with your time. I recently threw myself back into the dating pool and I've been off to a bit of a rocky start. Some of it is me...most of it is them.

A while back I wrote this great little blog full of fantastic dating advice. I was super rusty when I wrote it and I am by NO MEANS an expert, but CHRIST!!! How many awkward moments can a girl take?! I could go into specifics, but that may make for a much more interesting blog than I'm willing to write at the moment. I'm going in from here on out with a different mindset. Let's turn this whole weird debacle into a social experiment of sorts and see what happens. 

Here's the plan: I fully admit to having two extreme personalities. Most people know Edith, the crazy, ranty derby gal that won't shut up and likes to go out, get into trouble, rock out, ruin lives....whatever. Almost nobody knows Jenine, super sensitive mother of two, artist, cook, poet, avid reader. I'm thinking of switching it up and doing a comparison study to see which gal has more success on the dating scene. I will not try to balance the two in any way shape or form but rather, separate them and become the extremes and record the outcome. These experiences and research will slowly pepper this blog in the months to come. Something to look forward to eh? I love putting my humility on the line.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Day #3 - Morning After....

Ever had one of those weekends where everything was superinsanebusygogogoplayplayplay? Well, I am just wrapping up one of those particular weekends and it's strange how reflective it can make you. It's like your senses get all fuzzy and your head throbs, but your mind is racing and surprisingly keen. Perhaps I'm just burning off the last bits of over stimulation and alcohol. Perhaps the overabundance of social interaction and activity has left me more connected to the world. Any which way you slice it, I'm less ranty today.

I feel like I'm in a movie where everything has slowed to a crawl around the main character and they are easily watching things happen around them with a certain amount of incredulity. My kids have been with their father all day and I have had time to just This is a rare occurrence indeed. I'm not blogging too much today so that I may enjoy and defragment warbled memories from the previous night, dissect them and move on. I live to rant another day!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Day #2 - The Statue

So there's this statue. It was donated to my city's arboretum along with several other bronze sculptures from China. It has been the cause of much debate around here. Just so you get an idea of why this is so controversial, here is a photo of it.

People are offended. Mothers are petitioning for it's removal. I just don't see what's wrong with it? Why is the human body so offensive to some people? Americans need to let go of their puritanical roots a little. This is where our society lacks progression. It's simple enough. Teach your children to appreciate the human form as a work of art, explain the meaning behind works of art like this (which is actually quite intriguing) and stop sheltering them from the beauty of life! Kids are so much more intelligent than people give them credit for. How is this sculpture offensive to happen upon along a trail and yet parents see no problem exposing their children to violence in cartoons, media and games? The very reason I wrote my first day post is fully illustrated in the community's reaction to this simple statue. Stop being stupid people!!!

Friday, June 1, 2012

30 Days of Ranting: Day ONE

I recently (as in a day ago) accepted a challenge from a fellow blogger. 30 Days of Blogging. I don’t blog, I rant. We will just call it 30 Days of Ranting and get right down to it. To enhance your enjoyment of this blog, please click the video and allow the music to play as you read. I’m giving my readers a little credit here in assuming they can manage these two things at once.

People. People in general are a favorite topic of mine to rant about. People en masse and in general SUCK! Envision if you will the fat, slow-moving sweatpants wearing herd of the average American stereotype. They wear character shirts with stupid catch phrases, they clomp around directionless eating Funyons from a feed bag and slurping down sodas from enormous plastic cups. These people are the ENTIRE reason I avoid sporting events, shopping malls, large concerts, casinos, theme parks, department stores….etc. You get the picture. I inevitably get stuck behind a pack of large, directionless morons and I lose my temper, say some mean shit, offend some poor retard, receive hateful glares…’s not worth it.

I hate that I get lumped into this stereotype just by living where I live. Nowhere in this country is this picture of the people more accurate than the Midwest. People here love Jesus, country music and Nascar. Probably in that order.  The media around here caters to it.  I live right in the middle of it and it disgusts me. Most of my friends and readers will understand my personality and why I find Middle America lacking because they are similar to me. I’m not saying there aren’t things I don’t love about my city and general location. It just definitely ISN’T the culture, politics, fashion, beliefs, or musical taste of the region. This is the high plains people….start acting approoriately.