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| Who IS this dad?!!! |
I REALLY like the idea of a dad. All I have is a vague concept of what he's supposed to be. My own father lived out of state most of my life and was never around for many experiences. I always had his love, guarded support, and he always contributed to my education and monetary needs. I have a great dad. He just has not been a physical presence. It may have a direct relation to my perception of what a dad should be like and where I went wrong in choosing my mate. (Purely speculation, it may have nothing to do with anything.)
I see what I may envision in my mind as "The Perfect Dad" at the parks with their kids. They engage their kids, chase them, help them up ladders and reach the water fountain, teach and talk with their kids, feed and nurture them, much like their mothers do. Observing these people always bothers me. I get jealous. My kids don't have a guy like this in their lives. I envy the mothers that get their afternoon off from the kids and imagine them off having lunch with friends or getting pedicures. I actually fantasize about doing these things! I'm not even sure if they realize how lucky they are. I have friends like this. It's getting harder to relate to them.
In dating, should I ever have any time to go on dates, this is something us moms have to consider. "Perfect Dad" potential. I am very wary of men in general after my experiences. I don't trust them with my kids. I can take the heartbreak, my kids can't. This has been the biggest hurdle to overcome. I doubt many men read this blog anymore (as I have certainly alienated my male audience by now), but if you are reading this and you are estranged from your kids.....just stop. Get yourself together for their sake and for the sanity of their mother. Take care of them the way you set out to in the beginning. It's never too late.
Wow! Just wow!! Everything I've thought about being a single parent with a useless ex, you've just eloquently written here.
ReplyDeleteI applaud this post and I applaud you.
Thank you so much! I had a feeling I wasn't alone.
DeleteI think you are wrong. Pretty sure you ARE a superhero!
ReplyDeleteFlatterer! I try....as do we all.
DeleteI made the mistake of thinking someone I dated was a good father, he came off as one with the fake tears. I was sadly wrong. My kids became fearful of him by the way he yelled at his own kids. They were so happy to see him leave. I believe the worst was that my kids believe things in a purely literal way and when he threatened to cut his 2 year old sons tongue out for saying "stupid" I heard my kids crying and found them huddled together scared to death. I will never make that mistake again. Most importantly, I didn't believe they heard the names I was being called by this man.. they did. We are a happy threesome now. Knowing what you go through Edith, you are a superhero, we all are. We are supermoms!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to endure any of it. Abuse is a horrible thing to recover from. The hardest thing is ever trusting anyone again, especially with your children. I am glad to hear that you got away from it and are able to move on! Let's hope his next victim sees the light before she is trapped in the cycle of abuse. Cheers lady.
DeleteI'm with Olive Bread. You ARE a freakin' super hero! I think of all your talents, your ability to keep your identity while still being a strong & intelligent parent is the one that really blows me away the most. I'm sure you know women who's personality disappears once they become a mom. That idea scares me, but you inspire me that it doesn't need to happen. I also hear a lot of successful people praising their single moms, and acknowledging their struggle. Deadbeat and/or emotionally checked-out fathers should be ashamed of themselves, but are they really smart enough to know that? Speaking from personal experience, I'm not so sure they'll ever come around. But the thing is, their kids (raised by savvy single moms) eventually DO catch on. Perhaps the hard-earned result is that as the children mature, they will be less willing to allow that kind of toxic person in their lives, whether it be a parent, a friend, or a lover? That has been my prize.
ReplyDeleteI often wonder how things would have been if my self-absorbed bio-dad didn't give me up for adoption at 6 months, or if my adoptive dad had been emotionally engaged with me, instead of an angry and controlling workaholic. Although my parents are still married, they seemed to accept that Dad's role was just a paycheck. As it is, I don't talk to either of my dads, and I'm MUCH better off for it. If they decide to confront their issues in order to have a healthy relationship with me, great. But I'm wise enough to not expect it. I do expect better for my own kids, if that day comes. It's just a hard price to pay to learn some of these life lessons, I guess. But they're not all wankers, because obviously we're seeing these surfin' dads. There is hope!
There is always hope! You seem to have chosen a better path for your life than the one your mother did in her mate. Good eyes, good mind....keep them both open and wary!
DeleteFinally! Someone that understands what this "walk" is like and how hard it can be. I don't feel like a superhero either. I am just what I have to be in order to try to counterbalance the damage that has already been done and continues to be done. I am one of the fortunate ones that receives child support on a regular basis (although the court ordered spousal support ended three years earlier then it was supposed to because of some stupid decisions on his part). I, too, have had to deal with the insane attitudes that they come home from his house with, as well as the tears that melt your heart due to the hurt they feel because of the way he and his choose to talk about their mother...to the point that they don't want to spend time with him. But they need their dad, in their own way, and are too young to chose yet, so we keep going through the cycle. I try hard not to talk bad about him in front of them, saving the rants for friends...but, it can be very difficult. I am also with you on the whole daydream of what it must be like to go off for girl days and enjoy a mani/pedi...wouldn't know what that was like or how I would afford it.
ReplyDeleteAll that being said, I have amazing respect for you, and all single moms out there, who just pick up the slack because that is what mom's do. We make the choice not to sit and moan/groan about our situations, and we just do what needs to be done. And our kids are better off for it.
thank you for speaking up for all of us!
Becky
I'm glad and sad that you understand what this blog means. Thank you for reading and for being the mom your kids need! We don't have to be perfect all the time, kids realize this. I take comfort that there are so many of us out there smart enough to take ourselves and our kids out of a bad situation and breathe new life into it! Cheers to you and to all of us darlin'!
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