Monday, January 7, 2013

Best of...2012!

Back by popular demand! Best of the facebook madness from 2012. I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year and is excited to see what this year holds in store! 

"Girl child dressed herself in usual brilliant fashion today. Left the house in purple sneakers, yellow tie-dyed leggings, a black and white checkered skirt, a Hello Kitty tee, with a pink argyle skull sweater over it. She radiates AWESOMENESS."
"Boy child upon opening his burger-"PICKLES!!! How awesome is THAT?!!" I wish I got that excited about a burger!"
"This morning: Simon-"I hate humans." Elliott-"You ARE a human, stupid!" Simon-" No I am NOT! I am NOT a human!!!" we are getting somewhere."
"Elliott-"I ate the hell out of my chicken." And she did."
"Having kids is a really complicated and expensive way to test your waterproof mascara."
"Girl child handed me a note she wrote that said,"Best fred is mom, ♥ elliott". That's right. I AM the best fred."
"Just gauging by how much delight my kids get out of spinning until they are dizzy, I'm pretty sure they'll be drunks one day."
"How much Nyquil is too much? I can't feel my face and somehow, now I have 6 children?"
"Eating powdered sugar donuts at Dunkin' Donuts and my kids look like extras for the movie "Blow"."
"My son has given me a cute little nickname. " Grandma". NOT cute."
"You know how you tell your kid to do something and they do it? What's that like?"
"I served nachos for dinner and my kids looked at me like I had bought them jetpacks. Mom win!!!"
"Just threw out a homemade Valentine's card from my kid. So she doesn't have to do it forty years from now. I'm so thoughtful."
"Boy child told me something perfect this morning. I have been waiting to hear one of my kids say it and it makes me more proud of him than ever. "Mom, I like David Bowie.""
"Perfect day for zombie tag! Boy child does such an impressive zombie, a little girl started crying! It was awesome."
"ACTUAL conversation with my three year old while battling a migraine:
Him: "Milk is spilled in my seat."
Me: "That was from your ice cream yesterday."
Him: "No, it's milk."
Me: "No, it's from your sundae."
Him: "NO! It was Friday."
I give up."
"Girl child this morning- (she told me all this as I was glaring at her laying in bed) "I don't like your eye. It makes you look like a zombie. At least it's not a broken ankle!!! Or even a broken neck. That would be really bad. How would you eat? You couldn't swallow!!!" “
"Tonight boy child amazed us with his interpretation of some impressive Latin dances. I would have posted the video, but he was wearing black socks and Airwalks. ONLY black socks and Airwalks. My home movies just earned an "R" rating."
"Pulled girl child out of school early to play Galaga at Taco Via. I RULE!!!"
"Just when I thought I was making progress. * sigh. Boy child would now like to be called "Fuckit"."
"Just got to teach my kids a trick I picked up 20 years ago on red sunshine involving glow sticks and a bubble bath. I knew it would still look cool!"
"In my house this morning:
Girl child-"I just farted on this drum."
Boy child-"I peed on myself."
They had just woken up. Long day ahead."
"Girl child asked to keep her chicken bone from dinner. She said she just really likes it. Artist or serial killer? Time will tell."
"Woke up this morning to find a lake of chocolate milk in my kitchen. Kids are exciting."
"Some awful child came up and screamed in my son's face. He slapped the kid. I would have done the same."
"Boy child just told me the scariest thing I have ever heard. " Mommy! I cleaned all your stuff!""
"Today boy child gave me 9 kisses, 5 hugs, 3 tantrums, 4 heart attacks, 18 smiles, 2 blown ear drums, 1 headache, and about 400 new species of germs. It was a good day."
"If I hear " Mommy watch!" one more time, I may just stab my own eyes out with wood chips to make the follow through impossible."
"In the car: Me-" What's that sound? Simon, are you blowing raspberries?"
Elliott-" Oh.... that was me. I started drooling on myself.""
"Listening to girl child learning to read and sounding out words is quite entertaining. It's like listening to my own little Borat. She just read the dvd player as "Sahnya". Lol (Sony)"
"Spiderman is still here in full costume. He is running around shouting, " I'm Spiderman! I'm here to save the girls and give them high fives!!!" I wish I was three again."
"Ugh. Just opened the girl's backpack and found a note from her teacher. She was showing everyone her underwear today. As a derby girl, I'm not sure how to respond to this. They were Hello Kitty after all."
"Boy child has been with dad child all week. I haven't had to vacuum or pick up toys or hardly clean at all this week. It's abundantly clear who is the weakest link."
"Oh boy. Minions and I are volunteering at a women's shelter this week, so I thought I'd go over some code of conduct. When I was finished, they looked at me with blank stares. Girl child says, "So I have to pretend to be sensitive?"
This may take a while."
"I'm the best shoe putter onner. One of my lesser known talents."
"Note from teacher today: "Yesterday there was an incident with a little boy where Elliott put her bottom and "shook it" in his face."
Seriously? Why were there no $1's in her waistband when she got home? We need to have a talk with this little boy about ettiquette."
"Girl child is learning to whistle. KILL ME NOW."
"I wish my kids slept more....or longer. They are so perfect and awesome when they are asleep. These are really our best times together. High five comatose children!!!"
"Girl child (aka Gigantor) is possibly going through another growth spurt. She layed around, slept and ate ALL day and had about 237 mood changes. I can't wait until she is thirteen. (<- I totally can.)"
"Elliott on the elderly: " He's just an old man. Old mans are just easy to upset.""
"Boy child just ran up to me while i was laying in bed, shoved his face into my chest and shook his face back and forth like crazy. " What are you doing?!" I asked. He said, "Looking for a boat." Which one of you jerks taught my kid to motorboat?!"
"Something I discovered today: The pool is like xanax to boy child. He just floats around in his shark floatie with his little mermaid doll just within reach, completely content, limbs splayed. He did this for a half hour straight. He is a marvel."
"Today boy child woke up briefly from his afternoon nap to sing a bar from Skater Boi and fall right back to sleep. It may have been the cutest thing ever."
"Boy child is a sneaky, bed-stealing bastard.....but he's too cute to shove off."
"There is nothing worse than being unable to move and having your children assault you with keyboard songs they have composed to make you feel better.”
"Some people say children are a blessing. I see mine more as really short, noisy, filthy, incompetent roommates."
"Girl child is playing pretend that her brother is a squirrel. She has composed a song for him and has been singing " Simon loves his nuts" for about ten minutes. Can't. Stop. Laughing."
"Me- " How's that ice cream? Wait.... WHERE'S that ice cream?!"
Boy child- " Behind the couch."
Me- " You didn't."
He nods and smiles.
"Tip of the week: Temporary tattoos double as a very strong sunscreen. My kids look like leopards."
"How in the world did I become a kid magnet? I swear at one point today in the pool, I had five kids hanging off me. I was playing King Kong and throwing them off. They just kept coming and now I'm paralyzed."
"Most Uncomfortable Way To Wake Up #73 - Having a toy human shoved into my ear."
"Me - "Except for your hair and eye color, you look just like I did when I was a little girl!"
Girl Child - "Yeah.....except not as ugly."
wow. She also has my tact."
"Me-" Simon! Did you have an accident?!"
Boy - "No. It just rained on my pants."
Hmmm......but….it’s not.”
"Boy child is playing a song for me on his make-shift drums that he has titled "Hide the Knives". Too early for xanax?"
"Boy child staring at me as I got out of the shower - " I'm laughing at your face.... but not your boobs. I like looking at your boobs...... but I'm not laughing at them. Just your face."
Kids are evil."
"My son carries a sparkley purse because
1. It is practical for carrying large amounts of super heroes.
2. He appreciates the sparkles.
3. He is awesome.
Don't judge.
"My biggest dream is to one day own something that hasn't been peed on. This would make more sense if I had pets. #donewithkids"
"Girl child's attempts to "tattle" on her brother were thwarted when boy child constantly interrupted her and argued, "She's drunk."
I never know who to believe around here."
"It's 9am and boy child is listening to Pantera and playing a snow boarding video game in his room naked."
"Boy child insisted on wearing his sister's Disney princess nightgown to bed tonight. Sometimes he is so gangster, other times...."
"Girl child overheard me discussing entering her brother in karate lessons and immediately interrupted to voice her objections. She has deemed this idea incredibly stupid."
"I paid my daughter two bucks to wipe her brother's ass tonight while I was making dinner. Best two bucks I ever spent. #badMom?"
"Girl child already has been sent home with a few discipline slips so far this year. Today she was charged with "throwing pickles" and "inciting a food fight". How seriously do I take these things?!"
"As the lady in the drive thru handed me my change, the boy shouted out from the backseat,"That girl is NOT beautiful at all!" From the mouths of babes...."
"Halloween costume negotiations have officially begun. The boy is asking the impossible this year. I'm supposed to somehow create a Teenage Mutant Scissorhands Shark. FML."
"I just heard a tiny three year old angry voice yell, "You SUCK Elliott!!!" from the next room. When I stop giggling, I will go in and squash this."
"Boy child called me a dictator last night.
So I shot him.
In his back.
With a nerf gun."
"Boy child's new favorite game is Simon Says. I could kill the jerks at school for teaching it to him. He thinks he gets to play it all the damn time. #whatnottonameyourkid"
"I really need a time traveling cyborg to go back in time and kill the person who invented the kazoo before it saw the light of day. Is that too much to ask for?"
"Going on a "practice" trick or treat tonight at the high school with the boy. I'm thinking of mixing up his costumes and pairing a Thor costume with a Batman mask so he can go as "That Man""
"Boy child really has the Halloween spirit. Who else wanders their house in a gas mask and nothing else at seven a.m.?"
"Last week, boy child discovered how to use his penis as a weapon. Bath time is forever changed. (much to girl child's dismay.)"
"Don't you just hate it when you open the toilet lid to find an empty Capri Sun floating in a sea of yellow? Welcome to my life."
"In the car today, Beastie Boys "Girls" comes on. Girl child says, "Mom! They're talking about us! They want US!!!"
Boy child guffaws and says, "He is NOT talking about you guys."
#thanksalot # fouryearoldjerk"
"Me, exasperated," What am I going to do with you?!"
Boy child, "Uh... put me in a cage or something?"
"I suspect girl child is trying to out-oldlady me. Today she took an early nap, started her own stitching project, and listened to Edith Piaf songs on repeat. WTF."
"I just threatened to chop my kids' heads off if they didn't quiet down and go to sleep. All I got was a sarcastic, " That's a new one.""
"Assembling big wheels AND drum sets should be listed as a skill set on one's resume."
"Boy child just rolled over dead asleep and said plain as anything, " You're real stupid mom." It takes super powers to be a jerk even when you sleep."

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