Friday, July 19, 2013

My Asshole Neighbor

Everyone has one. There is always someone nearby that just doesn't know how/want to get along with everyone. There's always that ONE individual who just rubs everyone else the wrong way. Maybe it's because they don't have a sense of community. Maybe they just don't give a shit. In any case, there is ALWAYS that self-centered turd that does whatever they feel like, regardless of time, place, people or consequences. In my world, (in my home world anyway), that douchebag is Bruce.

I knew what Bruce was about the minute I met him. He came over to my house, wandered in to introduce himself, perused my personal space while swirling a snifter of cognac and invited me to his upcoming "lingerie party". By this, he meant an actual party, where people come over dressed in lingerie. He is in his mid-twenties. He goes to his older neighbor lady's house, where she lives with her kids, and invites her to a party where she needs to wear only her underwear. He then tried to make it sound more inviting by adding, "I'll be wearing a thong." It was like a new level of weird.

He's this guy that is always overly extra energetic and shooting me with double finger guns saying cheesy shit as he runs across the lawn laughing about who the fuck knows what as he jumps into his ORANGE SUV. I despise him in just about every way there is to despise a human. His very existence annoys me. Tall, skinny, goofy looking, and living directly next door.

All this probably doesn't sound too bad yet. I probably look like the crabby jerk here. The thing that REALLY annoys me is that we live in a duplex. I SHARE A WALL WITH HIM. This means I get to hear Bruce have sex. I get to hear him practice guitar (which he sucks at). I get to listen to his shitty music. I hear every time he laughs his asinine laugh. He slams doors, stomps feet, has friends over to party EVERY NIGHT OF THE MOTHAFUCKIN WEEK! Last week he stopped by to see what I thought about him getting a drum set. Bruce is a goddamn idiot.

I'm trying to be a good neighbor here, but this dude sucks. His grating personality aside, he has no respect for me or my kids. I tell him they have bedtimes and he needs to keep it down. I tell him this several times a week. I don't call the cops that often or tell the landlord because I'm not THAT tool. I do think that turnabout is fair play though. When I get particularly annoyed, I park my minivan in the driveway and block him in. I let my little early risers have their own party (drums included). So help will be a battle of wills to the very end. I'm onto you Bruce....and I will win.


  1. Gimme five minutes with the dude and you will never hear from him again...

    1. Eek! Did I just get a hit on my blog by mafioso?