Two Year Olds are Assholes

 Yup, it's true. You may look at this cupcake slathered face and just see the cuteness that is his saving grace most of the time. Look past the dimples to reveal the diabolical. This is Simon and this was taken the very day he turned two years old. He was pretty cute and snuggly before this and I rarely understood what he was saying, but he always capped it off with the smile and dimples, so we got along famously. This was before "the change".
   Now most two year olds go about their day in much the same way an adult would.......if that adult was a drunk sociopath. They scowl and scream at you for no reason at all, have no perception of volume control, they destroy anything and everything in their path, are prone to temper tantrums,which, due to their extremely high endurance levels, can go on for hours, and if you fail to meet their insane (almost tyrannical) demands or misinterpret their instructions....well....duck and cover my friend.
  I have been suffering this shit on my own for a little over six months now. I have a few battle scars from toys being launched at my head, missing patches of hair that have been pulled out, and the occasional bite mark. I have learned quite a bit during this wartime. Just like anything in life, you have to pick your battles. He throws his jacket on the floor repeatedly refusing to put it on. I simply pick it up and let him outside. He WILL come grab me when he is cold. At home, when he throws a fit, I walk away. I will continue to ignore the screams until he can vocalize what he is upset about in a rational manner (rational for two anyway). This is also effective at minimizing his ability to connect projectiles with his target (me). When the tantrum occurs outside the home, I simply remove him from the scene. I will throw him over my shoulder kicking and screaming when necessary. The trick is to always remain in control and level-headed. When they think you are no longer steering the ship....well, you are doomed.

  Some people reading this may think, "Holy crap! Her kid is awful and nothing like mine". Well...it may seem that way, but he has his good moments too. If he didn't, he would not be sharing food and shelter with me right now! That cute little face has saved his ass on many occasions, believe me. He does have many continuous days without incident where I start to think this abominable phase of his life is over. Then, before I even know what I have done, (I have offered him a toy that offends him) he is a raging jerkface again. I would like to quote the reverent Ice Cube when dealing with kids. It's like he said, " Now the title bitch don't apply to all women, But all women have a little bitch in 'em." Swap out "bitch" for "asshole" and "women" for "two-year-olds", and there you have it. Pearls of wisdom. Thanks Ice.