Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Once upon a time.....

  I had a life. It didn't involve half the cool things it does now, but I could go on road trips with my gal pals and sleep in late and splurge on designer make-up and perfumes. This is a completely true story from one such road trip and part of the inspiration for my derby name. My dear friend, Jessica truly tells this story the best with all the dramatic effects. She also tells it fairly frequently to illustrate the dynamic of our friendship. I will try my best to do it justice here in written format.
Everyone LOVES this bitch
  I had organized a road trip for my 21st birthday with my two best girlfriends to go to the lake for the weekend. Cara plopped in the backseat to sprawl out and nap almost immediately, Jessica rode bitch, and I was driving. It was a sunny day right at the beginning of summer, we were in our twenties, just one of those perfect moments in life that you always have the polaroid in your brain of. It didn't take very long for the trip to turn a little sour.
  Now, Jessica has always known my little pet peeves and just how to use them against me. She also happens to be one of those people EVERYONE loves. She is cute, sweet, intelligent, fun, and ALWAYS says the right thing at the right moment. We have been very close for far too long for her to behave that way with me. Her favorite past-time around this point of our lives....was needling me. Poking the sleeping bear. She loved getting a rise out of me....mostly because I reacted....sometimes with violence. The morning she found me passed out on the couch, she decided to wake me by slurping her cereal in my ear. She ended up wearing her breakfast. Such was our relationship.
  Now I had several decorations up inside my car to give it a little personality and in some cases, cover the cigarette burns in the upholstery. My most cherished car flair was a bunch of plastic grapes that hung from my rear-view mirror. I had bought them as an accessory for a toga costume for a party at college, and I loved them. Imagine my surprise when, while driving, a little plastic grape bounced hard off my cheek. I turned to glare at Jessica sitting next to me. She was pretending not to notice and forcing her face not to smile. I said nothing and turned my eyes back to the road. >THUNK< Another grape bounced off my face. This time, she couldn't contain her chuckles and was covering her mouth as I angrily looked over and growled tightly, "STOP." It was her first warning.
   Most people might've stopped here. Not Jessica. She had found a new button to push and we had miles to go before we could stretch. Another grape bounced off my forehead and my lips tightened and my chin puckered. I was getting ANGRY. Her little giggles and ornery smiles only heightened my ferocity. "STOP IT JESSICA OR I WILL KILL YOU!!!!" I believe was my last vocal threat. Two more grapes bounced off my face before I saw red. *SMACK* Before I even realized it, my right fist flew out and connected with her grinning face and her head connected with her shut window. I felt redeemed, glorified, vindicated....and a little awful, at the same time. Cara shot up in the back seat from her reclining position at the sound. Jessica looked at me stunned. "You hit me! You HIT me!!!!" Tight lipped and focused on the road, "I warned you." was my only reply.
And THAT is the damn smile.
  Most girls would probably end a road trip at something like this. Not us. The rest of the road trip was not as memorable, but nobody messed with my damn grapes. Jessica now goes up to the same lake every year with her family and tells this story EVERY year. It always makes me laugh that she thinks she comes off as the bigger asshole in it. Someone punching this girl is like somebody kicking a kitten. I am the asshole and I'm okay with that. I have rage issues....that's why I do derby. Also why Jessica and I didn't work out as roommates. Glad we can still be buddies though. True tale of true friendship.


  1. I'm jealous. No joke! So many times in my life have I wanted to punch someone who truly deserved it, but I don't have the guts.

    However, I've also noticed that if someone in my life needles me that much, I tend to cut them out. Punching might be better, I don't know.

  2. Next time...just punch em. If they can handle it, they are a keeper.

  3. I LOVE the caption that says "Everyone LOVES this bitch"