A Day in the Life...

Here I sit, bleary eyed, shivery, expended. It is the very beginning of my day and it feels like I am enduring some kind of obscene torture. My day started, in all actuality, yesterday morning. It was decent, busy and fulfilling. Twenty minutes before my workday was over and I was getting the surge of anticipation to get to derby practice, the retrograde into horrible nightmare day began. You know those really terrible days where nothing seems to go your way? You are trapped inside your head watching all this slow-motion insanity just happen to you? Yeah....THAT.
I really don't feel the need to go deep into specifics and become all ragey again so let's just go over the highlights of the past 16 or so hours.
1. The news I got was that I would be in charge of the kids that night....which is against weekly schedule.
2. Pick up kids and disappoint them.
3. Try to compensate by purchasing pre-cooked meals from a clown-endorsed establishment as scrambling to make dinner also sounded pretty shit at that point.
4. Carry said meals, drinks, purse, PRE-PACKED overnight bag, pair of shoes, 5 art projects up terrifyingly narrow and steep stairs to house....only lose one drink in the fall.
5. Split up meals and toys so EACH child gets something of everything and there is no arguing while said children clamor around my feet and scream about receiving toy with purchase.
6. Open toys and dispense to quiet children only to realize said toys make noise. (GAH!)
7. Put in inappropriate vampire movie to entertain children while they eat.
8. Go outside and scream, have a cigarette.
9. Notice landlord walking up driveway who says, "We have a problem." (After discussion, not such a big problem. Apparently I have been paying utilities on the wrong house though.)

My Insane Bendaroo Shark

10. Girl child comes running out of house in only underwear, crying....then wants landlord to wear her leprechaun hat.
11. Pull out Bendaroos for entertainment. Get inundated by insane requests for ponies and a skatepark.
12. Make insane Bendaroo objects for children and am covered in waxy substance rest of night. Quiet cries of dismay when my creation falls apart the minute it is picked up by offering ice cream.
13. While reading "James and the Giant Peach" at bedtime, a toy truck is launched at my head. END story.
14. Spend the first hour of "quiet time" putting kids back in bed, over and over and over again. (Dodged three more flying objects)
15. Daughter won't stop clearing her throat. Already had allergy medicine, wipe her with Vicks.
16. Son starts having gas pains and screams and cries for twenty minutes straight until I finally pin him down and get gas drops in mouth.
17. Repeat last step every hour, on the hour....ALL NIGHT LONG.
18. Wake up at 6am from my 5th power nap with both kids sleeping sideways pushing me off MY bed which is wet and smelly with spilled milk.
19. Go back to power napping and wake up late for work.
20. Frantically getting ready to run out the door, looking for son's watershoes for water play day  and son informs me a giraffe with hands has taken them.....
Fuck it.

I feel like I am on hallucinogens anyway as we stumble out the door and I bark random commands at kids as we load up the car. How the hell does my five year old know what a "buzzkill" is anyway? Off I go....side-stumbling through another day! Thank you Cleveland, you've been wonderful.