Friday, October 14, 2011

Pregnancy is Bullshit.

So recently a fellow rollergirl, Roxy Lawless, hopped on the train to Pregoville. The other roller mamas and I have been offering her not-so-comforting advice and giving her the heads up on what to expect that the books all leave out. Some of my blog followers suggest I put this into some kind of format to scare away would-be moms and prevent ANY further pregnancies. You WILL be exhausted all the time, your body cavity WILL have a small growing human in it, all your other organs WILL be smashed into wherever they can fit causing multiple side effects. So here we go....some tips and facts that should help keep the world's population from escalating for a bit!
Monster Stretch Marks.
  1. EVERYTHING on your body will swell to enormous proportions, turn color and sprout hair. Your vagina will turn into a pack of purple twinkies. Fun!
  2. You will become a waddling, sweating incubator fairly quickly. Don't bother with long sleeved or winter maternity garments. They will not be worn.
  3. You will have to resign yourself to monthly and then weekly visits to the doctor/nurse/midwife to have someone finger you until painful or the swabbing of your asshole.
  4. Forget your cute, sexy won't be wearing them for a LONG time....if ever again.
  5. You can try to fight them, but the stretch marks WILL win.
  6. Veins. All of a sudden they are everywhere. They are NOT happy.
  7. Slip-on shoes. Buy them. Soon enough, Your feet will be out of reach and tying shoes is an impossible feat that will leave you in tears.
  8. Be afraid of your belly button. Be VERY afraid.
  9. Carry vomit bags. I never had a problem with puking....but apparently most women do.
  10. "Emotional" doesn't quite cover the terrifying ride you are about to jump on. I cried a whole bunch when pregnant. I cried in the middle of the library while looking at a Baby Gap website. I am NOT a frickin' crier. It was disgusting.
  11. Stairs are your enemy....avoid them at all costs. They will leave you panting with pulled muscles in seconds during the ninth month.
  12. SWIM! I cannot recommend this enough. It makes you weightless and it was the ONLY time I didn't feel like an alien pod creature. Of course, the second you get out, you feel twice as big as when you got in the pool, but the relief is totally worth it.
  13. Sex. You can have it all you want. Your baby will NOT come out with a golf-ball head no matter how late in the game you are doing it. In fact, the later in your pregnancy, the better. There is some kind of organic chemistry in semen that helps set on labor. Ready for baby? Get busy with your man. A side laying position is what I found most comfortable.
  14. GET A BODY PILLOW!!! This will be your cuddle buddy. You will be a hot, sweaty, nasty psycho. No one else wants to cuddle with that. AWESOME TIP: You can pop your pillow in a freezer or outside (if it's cold) for a bit and it will help you cool off and stay comfy.
  15. Have that glass of wine every now and again. It's good for your messy nerves and it's good for your blood. Your significant other can enjoy watching you get drunk and sloppy on one glass. Besides, it's probably what got you into this mess in the first place.
  16. Kicking. You know those cute little flutters you feel in about the 5th month? In the last couple months babies turn into David Beckham  and it sucks. Sometimes they give that umbilical cord a magnificent tug that will double you over in pain.
  17. The actual birthing wasn't THAT bad in my case. LOTS of hurts. It REALLY REALLY REALLY hurts. For me though....a few hard-core pushes and the little leeches were out. Oh and in case you haven't already figured this out, men are completely useless during this entire process. Unless they are massaging you or running errands for you, they really serve no purpose. Those are services you can pay for and the quality is much better.
  18. There ARE birthing horror stories....I don't have them and you will hear plenty of those. Don't pay those bitches any attention. Every delivery is different, so there is no way to compare. Just be aware of what a mucus plug is, that this vile thing is inside you, and it will pop out without warning. Just like the water breaking does.
  19. After your "life and dream sucking machine" arrives, the milk does too. Whether you want it to or not. It comes in and gives you porn-star boobs that ache, stab you with pains, and if not emptied on time, become grotesquely lumpy and squirt at random. Breast pads....don't get the tiny flat cotton ones. Get the big super absorbent ones. I cannot stress how bad it sucks to wake up in a pool of cold breastmilk all over your bed.
  20. A Little Won't Hurt
  21. Lastly......sleep. Say goodbye to it. You will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. It's why Freddie Krueger never went after new moms....he couldn't. The first 6-8 weeks it's feedings every two hours round the clock. Then, it's worries and getting up to check on the baby. Then, it's erradic sleep schedule, then it's an illness, get the point. 
I am sure more people will fill in what I left out. Have fun with the "miracle" of birth. PLEASE don't get those creepy "couple" pregnancy photos taken.  And remember, you may feel all special and important during aren't. People have been doing this forever. It's not new, it's just new to you. Try and remain a person and NOT become one of those assholes who can't talk about anything else. Carry on.


  1. Ha ha ha! All so true. Be forewarned, complete strangers WILL attempt/ask to touch your stomach, which has strangely come to be known as your "belly," a word you have never used before and will never use after pregnancy.

  2. That is right!!! I completely forgot to mention that complete strangers will CONSTANTLY invade your personal space! I also forgot to mention about the constant need to pee, the sneeze pees, the heartburn, the congestion....maybe a part two is in order?

  3. On a positive pregnancy note- when I was pregnant everyone told me how GOOD I looked. After the baby came? Nobody tells me how good I look. :(

  4. lol only a few pushes and they were out?? You suck!! Try 2 hours of pushing.. my sons big pumpkin head didn't want to come out & I was begging for a c-section. Purple twinkies lmao... Great blog, loved reading this!! Pregnancy does suck I hated every minute of it!