Monday, July 9, 2012

Scared

So....I have a phobia. It's a genuine one and not just a distaste. I am claustrophobic. I get red and itchy on tight elevators and anxious about people invading my personal space. I've actually broken out in hives from being in too tight a space with too many people. It's real terrifying shit. Anyway....the point of me stating that, is that lately, that's what real life feels like. One tiny part of my world starts looking amazing and expanding into this never-ending realm of possibilities, and the other dark corners start closing in.

It's hard to write about real stuff sometimes on here. Mostly, I see the internet as this big playground. I just want to sit on the side and tell jokes and laugh at the stupid kids. On facebook, even my personal page, I really don't try to put too much heavy thought into anything. It's light, fun and not real to me. This blog has become pretty real to me. I like getting the crazyweirdstupidfunnyamazing stuff out of my head and transforming it into something other people can see or not see and go "huh" or not. Lately.....shit's been pretty real for me.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my son may have a genuine disorder. When he's at his best, he is the cutest, funniest, most dynamic kid out there. He has a huge personality. When he's at his worst....well, lately it's been leaving me in tears. It's more than I can handle on my own. He is downright....destructive. It didn't really send off any big red flags until a couple weeks ago when he told me, "Mom, I don't really like myself." It was really disheartening and disturbing to hear from a three year old. Needless to say, it sent me into a real mental frenzy. My worst phobia has been realized.

This is the guy I know and love
I'm still in the beginning phases of getting him what he needs and learning what his sister and I need to do/know. I'm really not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just needed to vent. Maybe this isn't the place, maybe you aren't the people....who really knows anymore? This is my baby. I'm scared for real and don't have any answers.

6 comments:

  1. Nini, I have known him since he was hours old. I love him and I love you.

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  2. Hang in there Momma. You guys will get through it.
    xoxo
    Gin
    P.S. This is called Edith My RANT. Rant away!! It's YOUR blog, after all!!

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  3. There is help. Take him to a psychiatrist. The earlier you get treatment the better. They can also give you ideas on how to manage it. Believe me you are ahead of this. Many many parents are in denial, so just recognizing this is HUGE. I have a special needs son and I work with special needs children. I promise there is hope. I know how much strength it takes, but gather all you have and do it.

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  4. Hey momma, you are not alone. :) I'm glad things are on the upswing. I have gone through this with my oldest too, now 9. It comes with the territory of having a divorced family with the bio-dad living out of the house. We went through several different types of therapists and a variety of different therapy, but every single time I was told there was nothing "wrong." Of course nothing was "wrong," in their eyes, but he was living in pain. His heart was broken. He still goes through the motions of wishing things were different. Oh my god, girl, I could tell you stories that took me to my knees without sunlight for days, I was so damn concerned...as a single parent back then too. 8 years later, I can say it gets better...better, not ideal for him though, because no one can provide a fix for that void expect a son's dad, especially if the deadbeat, or in our case disney daddy dude, is still on the scene, in a part time kind of way.
    Yes, many single mommies have raised very powerful and successful men, because they themselves had the courage to parent like champions. Kids respond to the energy they see...be the change sister, especially if his daddy will not.
    I love you!!!!

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