Scared

So....I have a phobia. It's a genuine one and not just a distaste. I am claustrophobic. I get red and itchy on tight elevators and anxious about people invading my personal space. I've actually broken out in hives from being in too tight a space with too many people. It's real terrifying shit. Anyway....the point of me stating that, is that lately, that's what real life feels like. One tiny part of my world starts looking amazing and expanding into this never-ending realm of possibilities, and the other dark corners start closing in.

It's hard to write about real stuff sometimes on here. Mostly, I see the internet as this big playground. I just want to sit on the side and tell jokes and laugh at the stupid kids. On facebook, even my personal page, I really don't try to put too much heavy thought into anything. It's light, fun and not real to me. This blog has become pretty real to me. I like getting the crazyweirdstupidfunnyamazing stuff out of my head and transforming it into something other people can see or not see and go "huh" or not. Lately.....shit's been pretty real for me.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my son may have a genuine disorder. When he's at his best, he is the cutest, funniest, most dynamic kid out there. He has a huge personality. When he's at his worst....well, lately it's been leaving me in tears. It's more than I can handle on my own. He is downright....destructive. It didn't really send off any big red flags until a couple weeks ago when he told me, "Mom, I don't really like myself." It was really disheartening and disturbing to hear from a three year old. Needless to say, it sent me into a real mental frenzy. My worst phobia has been realized.

This is the guy I know and love

I'm still in the beginning phases of getting him what he needs and learning what his sister and I need to do/know. I'm really not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just needed to vent. Maybe this isn't the place, maybe you aren't the people....who really knows anymore? This is my baby. I'm scared for real and don't have any answers.

Injury Blues

I've been in a funk lately. I miss roller derby terribly. I've had mixed reviews on the ankle and getting back to derby, but I just won't risk getting in my skates until I have insurance again. I have the kids to support and I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. So...on the bench I sit. WAITING. It sucks super bad and it makes me cry real tears.

People keep asking me when am I coming back. I tell them, as soon as I am able! It's no lie. I COULD strap on skates right now, but if something happened again, well...it would be the end of everything. This has been the hardest part. Waiting and watching. Seeing everyone progress and having to start again from scratch. It's like in Candyland when you get sent all the way back to the beginning and you don't stand a chance at catching back up.

Only, I think I can. I can get insurance and I can catch back up. I will just have to work twice as hard as everyone else and push back the pain and fear when my ankle won't move the right way or my muscles give out. I'm going to feel inspired again. I'm going to be a part of things again. I've had to many people tell me to give up and that I can't do it now that I must. The surest way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't.