The Whole "Relationship" Thing

    I am divorced. I have only been so for not quite even a year. In the past year, EVERYTHING about my life has changed. New job, new house, new daycare for the kids, starting roller derby, new friends, new ideas....well, you get the picture. So in approaching that year mark, people start inviting you to weddings, parties, lunches....topics come up and the inevitable question I have been fearing for awhile starts to arise..... "So........are you seeing anyone?" Blech.

SCARY

     The meager two dates I have gone on in the past year were....well....odd. The very idea of "dating" makes me queasy. My mind races to having to introduce the fella to my kids, have them get to know him, he moves in, hangs around til things go south, leaves the relationship as the kids are getting super attached and I have to pick up the pieces. WTF? This is not my normal thinking AT ALL. As a single gal, I never turned down a date, (unless the guy was obviously undate-able). I always figured at least I'd get a meal and some interesting conversation and/or story out of it. I always had fun and never took anything too serious. I ENJOYED the process. Now it sends a cold spiky lightning bolt of fear to my very core. Imagine if you will, the one time you pull the jug of milk out of the fridge and just start drinking only to realize it's gone sour as you are chugging cold clumps of nastiness. Now every time you look in the fridge and see the milk, you recoil in horror and taste the foulness in the back of your mouth. It's just like that.

      I know all these reactions mean I am not ready to "put myself out there". I'm remarkably okay with that. It's that stupid "girl" part of me that's been all brainwashed with romantic garble that tries to throw me off. The very idea terrifies me. It's not just my own happiness that I'm responsible for anymore. I also have these two humans that rely on me for EVERYTHING and that includes a stable upbringing. So until that fateful day when the bitterness has left the building, I'll have to settle for inappropriate ass smacks and booby grabs from the lovely ladies in my derby league. And that's all I got to say about that.